- “Dude. Holy shit, dude.”
By now you’ve seen the spectacular video of wondrous brotastic Brooklyn dudes engaging with last week’s tornado. Well, our very own Paul D’Agostino, who sees existential futility and nausee everywhere he looks, was overcome upon his first viewing of said video, and channeled that intense revulsion into art, forthwith:
WAITING FOR BRONADO
Dudimir and Brostragon stand before glass doors. They go in and out of the glass doors, outside of which is a small fire-escape-sized terrace. The sound of high winds can be heard, encouraging them to yell more than they would anyway. They are wearing loose-fitting lounge-out gear, e.g. workout pants, sweat shorts, t-shirts.
Dudimir: WHUUUT the fuck is that fucking shit dude?
Brostragon: Dude, what the FUCK?
Dudimir: FUCK dude, it’s a fucking TORNADO!
Brostragon: Nah dude, it’s a fucking BRONADO!
Dudimir: Awwwhh SHIT dude!
Brostragon: Yeah bro, a fucking TORNADBRO!
Dudimir: FUCK yes dude, FUCK YES!
Brostragon: Holy fucking shit dude, like HOLY FUCKING SHIT!
Dudimir: Like total FUCK dude!
Dudimir: Yo, maybe it’s a fucking BROpical storm!
Brostragon: YOU mean like a fucking BRORRICANE?
Dudimir: FUCK YES!
Brostragon: FUCK YES!
Dudimir: THIS SHIT CAME FOR US!
Brostragon: TOTALLY FOR US!
Dudimir: WE fucking RULE this fucking place!
Brostragon: We fucking RUN this fucking CITY!
Dudimir: We fucking RUN THIS TOWN TONIGHT!
Brostragon: Hey eh eh eh eh eh, ehy yeh, eh eh!
Dudimir, B (together): Eh eh eh eh eh eh, ehy yeh, eh eh!
Brostragon: Hell FUCKING yes! This BRONADO is OURS!
Dudimir: Yeah dude, like FUCKING OURS!
Brostragon: This fucking RULES!
Dudimir: Yeah bro, it’s just like a bigass COCK!
Brostragon: Oh HELL yes! Just like a… Uh… Wait, uhh… what?
Dudimir: Like a bigass crazy WINDCOCK in your FACE!
Brostragon: Uhhhh… What, why?
Dudimir: A fucking sickass COCK OF WIND on your fucking NECK!
Brostragon: I don’t uhh… Dude like, bro?
Dudimir: Just fucking LOOK at it DUDE! It’s total COCK!
Brostragon: Oh shit dude, I SEE that shit now!
Brostragon: Awwh FUCK yes dude, FUCK YES!
Dudimir: TOTAL fucking COCK STORM, right? (Dudimir reveals his cock.)
Brostragon: TOTALLY, just massive DICK! (Brostragon follows suit.)
Dudimir: The craziest fucking DICK WIND!
Brostragon: Fucking GALE FORCE fucking COCK WARNING!
Dudimir: FUCK YES!
Brostragon: Dude, later on, TOTALLY hittin’ the fucking BARS BRO!
Dudimir: Yeah bro, and we’re bringing this fucking BRONADO WITH US!
Brostragon: The GIRLS will fucking LOVE this guy bro!
Dudimir: Like fucking TOTALLY, and we’ll get LAID!
Brostragon: Fucking HELL YES we will!
Dudimir: Like SO fucking LAID!
Brostragon: So much COCK dude!
Dudimir: Like fucking CUMMING RAIN bro!
Brostragon: Fucking TOTALLY!
Dudimir: Cumming and GOING bro!
Brostragon: All over fucking GOBRO!
Dudimir: Ah FUCK dude, we’ve been WAITING FOR HIS ASS!
Brostragon: Nah dude, not GOBRO, fucking… I wrote that shit DOWN! It’s uhh… Fucking BRODOT!
Dudimir: Fucking DOT? Like BRO dot COM? THAT would be a SICK ASS SITE!
Brostragon: Shit YEAH dude! But nah dude, sounds MAD WRONG! Uhh…
Dudimir: Fucking HURRY UP dude!
Brostragon: YO, FUCK! It’s uhh… OH SHIT! I should’ve said fucking BRO-DO! That T is fucking SILENT!
Dudimir: FUCK! SHIT yo, like “BRODO”! Fucking GOT IT!
Brostragon: YEAH bitch, that T is silent as FUCK!
Dudimir: MAD TIGHT! We have been WAITING FOR HIS ASS!
Brostragon: WAITING as FUCK for his ass! Like FUCK YO!
Dudimir: Then in-fucking-stead we get BRONADO!
Brostragon: Ah FUCK son, you’re like MAD RIGHT!
Dudimir: It’s a fucking DISGUISE!
Brostragon: That shit is MAD TIGHT!
Dudimir: That shit is MAD SICK!
Brostragon: Gobrot in the fucking SHAPE of BRONADO!
Dudimir: Fucking coming for US!
Brostragon: Like mad cumming for US!
Dudimir: Like a bigass COCK!
Brostragon: A fucking MADASS DICK!
Dudimir: Awwh YEAH bitch!
Brostragon: Shit fucking YEAH DUDE!
Dudimir: So then he’s like FUCKING HERE ALREADY!
Brostragon: I don’t know bro. Maybe. Might already be gone.
Dudimir: Shit yeah bro. Maybe.
Brostragon: FUCK dude.
Brostragon: Anyway bro.
Dudimir: Dude like, yeah.
Brostragon: Anyway, when he gets here we gonna RUN THIS SHIT!
Dudimir: Like fucking RUNNING this town!
Brostragon: Running it tonight.
Brostragon: Run this town tonight.
Dudimir: Ehy yeh, eh eh…
They have calmed down now, and they are completely naked. This happened sometime after they began to reveal their masculine hardware. They appear energetically subdued, as if they could lift weights at any moment despite their apparently relaxed demeanor. Smiling. High winds still audible.
Curtain (made of roast beef)