As I’ve discussed here a few times in the past, one of my favorite things in the entire world is when people who very, very clearly don’t know anything about rock music are forced to act like how they think people who like rock music might act. It makes for some of the most unbearably cringeworthy shit you will ever see—like my go-to image of Celine Dion playing air-guitar, or the dreaded “Rock Week” episode they do every year on American Idol. Well, last night, Rock Week came to Dancing With the Stars, and it was a gift that just kept giving and giving and giving.
Here we’re offered a brief glimpse of what, sadly, is to come. Teen activist (yep) Bristol Palin decides that what she needs to do in order to convince the judges she’s not a robot is to play air guitar. This is her practicing that.
This is Jennifer Grey, minus most of her nose, and Derek Hough, who’s sporting the two most rock and roll things there are in the universe: eyeliner and a faux-hawk, obviously.
Oh, and here’s Rick Fox sporting the exact same look, only with a touch of silver added, giving his whole get-up a distinctly 30 Seconds to Mars feel.
Oh boy, here’s Bristol again, clowning around backstage. She’s making a fist and looking mean because that’s what real rockers do. Or, wait, is she making the jerk off motion? Not sure. The other guy, clearly, is standing exactly how you’re supposed to stand when you have a guitar. If you’re a real rocker.
I don’t actually know who this guy is, but they showed him every time they came back from a commercial. He had a goldtop Les Paul and lots of good rock poses.
Here’s Bristol again, practicing her air guitar one last time before taking the stage. If you look closely, you’ll also notice that she’s squinting and sticking her tongue out really far, just like any good teen activist and rocker would.
Finally, she gets to do it for real, only she is so totally uncomfortable that she cracks a nervous, giggly smile and doesn’t really pull it off. All that practice for nothing.
Former NFL quarterback Kurt Warner was having a hard time conveying “rock and roll,” so his partner told him that he should try making a face that tells people, “I don’t give a damn what you have to say,” because people who like rock music, like, really don’t give a damn what you or anyone else has to say.
He was having a hard time getting the right look, too, so he was made to try on a few different outfits. Ha! Don’t worry, though, this one was obviously not rock and roll! Ha ha, obviously.
This one, though… this one is 100% rock and roll. Not sure what about it so different from that last one, which was supposed to be funny? Nope, neither am I.
Who’s helping him with these decisions anyway? Oh, right. Of course.