Different, Um, Strokes

01/27/2011 9:22 AM |

Dear Audrey,
I’m a woman who is single for the first time in a looooooong time. I met my ex-husband super young and didn’t really have much sex with anyone else before him. So I’m pretty excited to be exploring this new world, though I feel kind of like a weirdo to be so inexperienced in my forties. My question is: what kind of condoms do I buy? Should I have all different sizes? How does a guy even know what size to use?

Despite how much certain dudes (maybe this was just in high school? Now that I think about it?) talk about having to use the Magnum condoms, most guys just use regular size. I feel like if someone has a special-needs dick, then they are probably bringing their own. Trying to have a “what size would you like” conversation is probably more trouble than it’s worth. It is nice that you are such a concerned and polite hostess though. Good luck getting all freaky and whatever.

Dear Audrey,
Some guys I get with love having their balls squeezed. Some like rough ball play. Others really hate to have their balls touched at all or are ticklish in the ball/taint area. How do I know which guys to keep my hands off of? I don’t want to ruin the moment.

I don’t know how many times I am going to give this advice, but I suspect this won’t be the last: YOU HAVE TO ASK HIM. IT IS THAT EASY. ASK WITH YOUR MOUTH. Asking doesn’t have to ruin the moment. We aren’t Vulcans. There is no mind meld. I don’t know where (usually straight, vanilla) people got the idea that ideal fucking is like some magical, silent, intuitive symphony of movement, where each partner is telepathically aware of exactly what to do to turn the other on.

Maybe this is like some corollary to the whole “he’s the one” idea? Like if you have met your perfect other half and he is THE ONE, his go-to sex moves will just happen to align with exactly what you enjoy? Anyway, it’s stupid. Everybody’s body is different. Like, literally, we are all put together differently. Everybody has different preferences. There is no ur-foreplay that will stimulate every woman on the planet. There is no perfect blowjob for all mankind. There is no guaranteed orgasm move.

People are so very very different that even within what is commonly accepted to be “normal” sex (which, that’s a whole other discussion I’m not having today) there is such a wide variation in preference that what is one person’s most favorite thing is absolutely out of bounds for someone else. Anal, for example, or nipple pinching. Or ball play.

Each partner you have, as you have seen, will have different preferences. So part of fucking, especially the first time, is to say stuff like “do you like it when I do this?” or “is it ok if I touch your balls right now?” or “is this the right spot?” or even “what’s your favorite way to do it?” Feel free to say it in some kind of husky sex voice if you want. You can even whisper, whatever, be my guest. But if making sure you’re pleasuring your partner and, more importantly, making sure you have their enthusiastic consent for all the stuff you’re doing ruins the mood, I feel like maybe you just need some mood adjustment.

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