Sex Rules for National Etiquette Week

05/12/2011 3:34 PM |

This will be you if you listen to me!
  • This will be you if you listen to me!

It’s National Etiquette Week, did you know? To help you celebrate, I thought I would share with you all some general etiquette guidelines for people who have sex with one another, or would like to.

1. Hitting on Strangers in Public
This is almost always rude, especially if the person you are hitting on is a woman. Why? Because women move through the world getting harassed and yelled at a lot. Their safety is not guaranteed. So unless you are unusually good at picking up on people’s non-verbal cues (and you would know if you were), just don’t.

2. Leaving After a Hook Up
Depends on the situation. Do you know this person’s first name? Then say goodbye before you go. Do you want to see them again? Feel free to leave a number. Is it weird to ask to use their shower? Almost definitely. Whatever you do, please do not steal from the person or leave their front door unlocked. If it’s your apartment and you want the other person to leave, be direct. Sometimes, being direct is the most polite thing you can do, because it communicates to the other person that you think they are a reasonable adult.

3. Sleeping with Multiple People
It’s my feeling that you are under no obligation to tell someone that you’re seeing other people unless you have a. told them that you aren’t or b. stopped using protection. On the other hand, it is pretty creepy to lie and say you aren’t if it comes up in conversation.

4. Sex in a Bar
Your right to have sex in a bar extends only as far as other people’s right not to have to watch you. Which is to say: in the bathroom. DO NOT hog up the stall if there’s only one, that is just rude as all get-out.

5. STD Status
It is rude/dangerous not to disclose your STD status to someone who will be directly affected by it, i.e. a person you are having unprotected sex with. It is rude to ask about anybody’s STD status unless you are the affected person.

6. Breaking Up
Call me an old, but if you are dumping someone who you have referred to as your boyfriend or girlfriend, text or Facebook is NOT APPROPRIATE. Phone can be okay, in some very specific situations. If you are the dumped, resist the urge to enact revenge on your ex. It will almost never make you happy, and you will almost always regret it when you are of a clearer mind. If your friend has been dumped, remember that it is probably wise to wait to crap all over the person’s ex until you are double triple sure that they aren’t going to get back together.

7. Cheating
Don’t cheat. C’mon. We live in an age where you don’t have to have a monogamous relationship. If you can’t be honest with your significant other, banging someone else isn’t going to help.

8. Telling on Cheaters
It’s not impolite, necessarily, but not telling someone you are close to that they are being cheated on will probably hurt your friendship. On the other hand, never say anything unless you’re pretty sure, and you’re willing to be in the middle of someone else’s business.

9. General Rules of Thumb, for Sex and for Life
Be honest, but be kind. Don’t start shit, won’t be shit. If it’s not about you, don’t make it about you. Set boundaries and enforce them. And if you can avoid it at all: don’t act like a dick.

It is considered polite to follow me on twitter.