Aftershocks from Yesterday’s Earthquake

08/24/2011 1:05 PM |

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Paul D’Agostino, the Human Google Reader, has compiled some of the accounts of consequences from yesterday’s earthquake that have begun trickling in from all over.

- Earthquake on eastern seaboard of US attributed to Qaddafi shitting his pants in a bunker deep beneath Tripoli. Of course, news sources are spinning it a bit differently.

- Facebook accused of causing earthquakes along the east coast of the United States today in order to increase the flow of status updates. When confronted regarding such allegations, a representative, asking to remain anonymous (while noting the irony of his request, given his employer), said, “Look, competing with Google+ has been a real bitch.”

- United States receives yet another S&P downgrade today in the wake of the earthquake. Said one spokesperson: “5.8, 5.9, that’s not awfully impressive for the world’s largest economy, and it promises scarce little for future growth.” When challenged regarding the lack of logic in such a claim, the same spokesperson admitted: “Yeah, we just wanted to fuck with ‘em again!”

- Citing formidable declines in worker productivity, US corporations are suing Tuesday’s earthquake. “Globalization has left juridical loopholes all over the damn place,” said one corporate manager, who spent most of the afternoon predicting solid profits in the next quarter and laying off nearly the entire company. “It is true, though, that workers were never so wide awake after lunch.”

- Wall Street welcomed a lively uptick in investment optimism as the markets came to a close on what is already being called “Earthquake Tuesday” or, alternately, “8/23.” Said one trader: “Lots of shares sold for bars and restaurants. They’re gonna make a killing tonight. Especially watering holes, so smart money went to bars all up and down the east coast. But really big money was made in pharmaceuticals. People work tomorrow. Shares in ibuprofen, aspirin and acetaminophen fucking skyrocketed.”

- As a surprising coda to the seismic events on the US eastern seaboard today, creationists joined Ahmadinejad in denying that the earthquake ever took place.