The biggest thing to hit New York City this weekend was the news that Beyoncé is pregnant, and she and Jay-Z will be having a child of unspecified gender in an unspecified number of months. All that uncertainty won’t keep us from suggesting some (new) unsolicited baby names for the forthcoming Knowles-Carter progeny.
If it’s a girl…
Sasha Fierce: Beyoncé’s briefly adopted edgy alter-ego, now seemingly retired, has instant name-recognition, though those are some very big, very pointy shoes to fill.
Destiny: Beyoncé first came to the world’s attention as the frontwoman of Destiny’s Child, so naming her child Destiny would be both absurdly logical, and incredibly, confusingly weird.
Sophie: One of Jay-Z’s first ever appearances in a music video was on the set of his partner Jaz-O‘s hilarious tropical beach party track “Hawaiian Sophie.” Despite subsequent beef between the duo, we think this would be a nice gesture.
If it’s a boy…
Christopher: In homage to Jay’s long-time friend and collaborator Christopher George Latore Wallace, aka Notorious BIG.
Goldmember: This would either really fuck up their kid, or give him a massive ego, or possibly both, but virtually the only Beyoncé song named after its male subject is the villain’s theme from Austin Powers 3, so here we are.
Shy: This one’s a little complicated, but worth it. In Jay-Z’s devastating narrative of parental neglect “Meet the Parents,” the single, drug-addicted mother of a teenage boy who’s eventually killed by his own father (see? devastating) falls for a flashy playboy instead of marrying the responsible guy who has pastoral dreams of simple, sober living. His name was Shy.
Sunshine: The first Jay-Z song I ever heard, which got me instantly hooked, was his duet with Foxy Brown over Timbaland’s trippy beat for “(Always Be My) Sunshine.” Something tells me Jay and Beyoncé aren’t quite hippie enough to name their son Sunshine though.
Bill: In 1999 Destiny’s Child had this (really, really good) song called “Bills, Bills, Bills,” which everyone seemed to think was about how the group’s four members wouldn’t talk to a guy unless he paid their bills. But we always knew that Kelly, Letoya, LaTavia and Beyoncé were simply planning to name their future sons Bill.