Once, a friend of mine who lives on the same block in Park Slope as Maggie Gyllenhaal came out of her building and saw Maggie nursing her baby on the stoop across the way. She smiled and Maggie smiled back at her. So as you can see, I am close personal friends with Maggie Gyllenhaal and therefore it came as no surprise to me that she is currently running a vibrator lending library. Duh! I am on the waiting list for a little pink one.
But how can you get on the list? Obviously anyone who is anyone in this city has a Gyllenhaal vibrator casually laid across her nightstand or maybe being used as a bookmark in her bedside copy of The Story of O.
“What this?” she says, with an offhand chuckle, gesturing toward the veiny lump of purple latex. “Oh it’s a loaner. From Maggie. She just had SO MANY after doing that movie, you know…” Her interlocutor burns with jealousy, knowing that none of the vibrators in her drawer have graced the hands of a famous person.
Burn no more, you poor things. Maggie is a kind person. I know based on my personal experience of having a co-worker who went to her same high school and one time they did mushrooms at a party and Maggie was super nice even though my co-worker was totally freaking out. Here are some ideas:
1. Give some to get some. If you want someone to give you something, give them something first. Find out where Maggie lives and send her some of your vibrators. Send her all of them! Just buckets and buckets. Maybe attach a little note: “Some additions to your collection ;)” Perfect! You’re in!
2. Edible arrangement or cookie bouquet. Stars are just like us. They love to receive gifts of unwrapped food from strangers. Ask the edible arrangement people to cut the honeydew melon into penis shapes, so she gets the hint. Make sure to include your contact info.
3. Show her you’re a fan. What better way to get someone on your side than to flatter them? And what’s more flattering to an actress than showing them that you appreciate their work? I’m sure Maggie would get a kick out of you and your friends reenacting some of her famous scenes, like for example the bathroom masturbation scene from Secretary. You could send her a video, but I bet it would have more punch if you just found out where she was and surprised her with it. As soon as you start yelling E. Edward Grey’s name, Maggie will break out into a huge grin, pull a vibrator from her purse, and hand it to you, right there on spot. “Just don’t forget to bring it back in six months,” she’ll say, with a wink. “I’ve got people waiting on that one.”
I’m on Twitter, you know.