Five Reasons We Should All Go to the Exxxotica Expo in Jersey This Weekend

11/03/2011 12:18 PM |


Hey guys, whatcha doin this weekend? If the answer is not “going to the Exxxotica Expo, the largest event in the U.S.A. dedicated to love and sex,” then what is wrong with you? Unless maybe you don’t have a car, because it’s in Edison and I’m pretty sure that’s not on the Path. But still. When is the last time you went to an event with FOUR exes in the name? I suspect never. Here is just a taste of what you would be missing out on:

*The Exotic Car and Bike Show, which is “100 of the hottest rides imaginable right next to the hottest girls in the adult industry” and will be awarding prizes in the following categories: paint, ice, JDM, female ride, display, interior, bike, people’s choice entry, use of carbon fiber, white glove, low-rider, exotic, wheels & tires, best in show, club quality, team, and more. Carbon fiber you guys!

*Ladies free Friday. To quote from the website, “For the first time ever in New Jersey, we’re letting ALL chick in for FREE on Friday, November 4th. We’re using Einstein’s most famous equation: More girls = More fun. We first did this last year at our New Jersey event and it was a HUGE success. HUGE! There were so many girls there, you would have thought you were at a Jack Johnson concert.” Thinking you are at a Jack Johnson concert=the female version of a sausage party. That’s just an everyday colloquial phrase we’re all familiar with.

*Special “For the Ladies” Programming. Which is really sweet, actually! I like that they are trying to make it an all-inclusive sex and love event. On the docket is a burlesque performance, a seminar about de-vanillaizing your marriage, a special ladies-only performer Q. & A., and erotic artist collective called “go.go.go” and big dick porn dudes. That is nice!

*Porn Stars! Duh, but still, everyone will be there: Rodney St. Cloud, Belladonna, Brenda Boobies, Mimi Melons, Platinum Puzzy, Ron Jeremy (!), Stormy Daniels, Seymore Butts, Mary Carey (the Mariah Carey impersonator porn star who is amazing), Joanna Angel (who I also love, and who, according to this Star-Ledger article, is a Rutgers grad, go Jersey), and mooooooooore. No joke, this is definitely four exes worth of adult performers.

*Chyna. Former wrestler/actress/celebrity rehabber Chyna will be there! I watched a significant amount of WWE in the ’90s (don’t ask) and I have always had sort of a strange obsession with her. Her gender presentation is so interesting!

Sounds pretty good right? My only quibble is that I feel like it should be called the Exxxotica Exxxpo to fully capture the enormity of the event. Ah well. So who wants to drive me?