It’s Time to Start Shopping for Your New Calendar, Probably

12/08/2011 1:53 PM |


Grandma, what’s a calendar? Is that some kind of app? Hush now, child. We all know that there is basically no reason at all to own a calendar made out of paper to put on your wall in 2012. There are a hundred better ways to find out what day it is and/or write down when you are supposed to remember to do shit. And yet the calendar people persist in making them, because what else are they going to do? Just close up the calendar factory and fire everybody? No.

Pretty much the only nice thing about having a wall calendar is that it’s a culturally-approved way to have a picture of a scantily-clad man or woman on your wall for staring at. Here are some options to consider, if you think you might want to do some staring in 2012.

For those that prefer to look at ladies:

Girls of Geek. I sort of hate that whole Olivia Munn omg I’m such a NERD but also half-naked and conventionally beautiful because seriously, can’t ladies do even one thing like enjoying playing a video game without being expected to have good abs? But whatever, these ladies are cute and it’s for charity, so fine.

Jersey Jems! Truly, the crown jewels in the Jersey shore’s glittering tiara. In neon bikinis!

Pin Up Girls. Reproductions of pin-ups from olden times. Classy? I guess?

Unbridled Beauties. Ladies and horses. Just ladies in bikini tops standing with horses. Why is that weird? Everyone’s just having some semi-clothed horsey fun. Includes the “Starfish Story,” whatever that is.

Pirelli Calendar. Famous naked ladies on rich person beaches, available only to rich people. Good luck getting your hands on one but if you do, send it my way.

For those that prefer to look at dudes:

Bad Boys of Boston, the sexiest men of MIT. Obviously. According to the website copy, you can see Victor with a snake. Who is Victor? That is part of the mystery. All proceeds to charity.

Hairy Men. It is what it says it is. Though honestly the guy on the front doesn’t look SO hairy. He’s not like Robin Williams hairy or anything. I don’t know. Do you like medium hairy men? Here you go.

Monster Cocks. If Hairy Men is a bit subtle, perhaps Monster Cocks is more your style. Make all your co-workers uncomfortable with your dick calendar! Do you think someone out there makes a Monster Vag calendar? Write that down for next year.

NYFD Firefighting Hunks. Classic. Shirtless firefighters. That’ll have to do until the MTA gets their shit together and gets their beefcake calendar published. Fingers crossed for 2013.

Six Packs, Nine Lives. Hot, nude guys with kitties all over their washboard abs. It’s not a bad idea, is what I will say. Plus, the money they make goes to animal shelters.

There you go. Calendars for all kinds. If the prophecy comes to pass, this will be the last calendar any of us have to think about buying. Or maybe the Mayans just foresaw that we would all have iCal now. Let’s check back in a year and see where we are. 2012!

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