Hate-Reading Churchy Sex Advice Books

01/19/2012 1:38 PM |

Ladies Love Cool Jesus

  • Ladies Love Cool Jesus

So remember that wacky Texas pastor and his 24-hour rooftop bed-in to encourage (straight, married, Christian) people to have more sex? Turns out he also wanted to encourage them to buy his Christian sex advice book, conveniently on sale now. Over at Salon, Tracy Clark-Flory has taken the bullet for all of us and read the thing.

Predictably, I guess, it combines intense shaming of non-doctrinaire sex, like the extra-marital or gay kind, with a sort of “why’s everyone so uptight about sex? It’s God’s gift to us in marriage!” attitude. And you know, I’m not anti-Christian or anything (some of my best friends are Christians!), and I know for a fact there are tons of Christians who are not at all homophobic or anti-sex, but these particular Christians are, well, not that. I guess it’s nice that they’re sex-positive within the incredibly narrow swath of “acceptable” sex, but yikes. I’d really recommend reading the entire review—she’s also read another, competing Christian sex guide—but here are a few of the funniest bits:

“God doesn’t want us to experience little sex in the dog bed; he wants us to experience the power and purpose of big sex in the right bed.”

Dog beds!

“A husband and wife who see sex and marriage as God sees it also see the math of marriage as 1+1=1. There is no room there for a third party. Pornography is a third party.”

Eww, girl, eww.

They also deliver this gem: “Sure, the naked people you like looking at are hot … but so is hell.” However, my hands-down favorite line from the Driscolls on the subject of porn is: “Clearly, while not everyone who looks at porn will end up doing such evil things as Ted Bundy, they will do evil things even if less intently or frequently.”

This makes complete sense!