Happy Mardi Gras! Alternately, happy staying inside until the drunk frat hordes disperse night! Mardi Gras is a holiday with a rich history of pancakes and costumes and some Jesus thing involving the desert, I think? But those of us not from New Orleans or Brazil mostly only know of two traditional Mardi Gras activities: drinking a lot, and showing your boobs in exchange for beads. How did the boob/bead exchange become the gold standard? That is lost to history. But seasoned revelers know there is an entire showing a body part/getting a thing economy particular to Mardi Gras. If you’re going out tonight, take some of these lesser-known flashes out for a spin to impress your friends. “Wow,” they’ll say, “This guy really knows his stuff.” Then you’ll all stagger over to a gutter and throw up in it.
Get: Double beads
Get: A commemorative Hurricane glass with a picture of your cock on it
Show: Left ball
Get: A glittering tiara, festooned with disco balls
Show: Right ball
Get: Coupon for Build-a-Bear workshop
Show: Third ball
Get: Impressed nod from all the fellas, free shot of watermelon pucker
Show: All balls
Get: A perfectly made Old Fashioned, no fruit, yuck!
Show: Tramp stamp
Get: A nagging sense of regret, mixed with nostalgia for a simpler time
Get: View of other person’s elbow
Get: A necklace that is made of beads that look like boobs, featured on on a gross DVD,
Get: Hot sauce
Get: Thrown out of the bar. Taints are considered vulgar in Mardi Gras culture.
Okay! Have fun and be safe. Can’t wait to see all the fun beads and stuff you get tonight!