Madonna’s Super Bowl Half-Time Show: Good and Awful, Now the Same

02/06/2012 12:00 PM |

In terms of ridiculousness, spectacle, inanity, and cheap, pre-canned controversy, I think we can all agree that last night’s Madonna medley was one of the greats. It was very Super Bowl. Very half-time. The role she was born to play! (Seriously, maybe the best/stupidest use of a huge/stupid platform since Prince?)

The entire show was immediately boiled down to .gif form, because of course it was, but the whole thing was kind of one big, dumb replayable loop. So, lets relive it, together:

- Getting re-excited as she enters in an instantly confusing mix of Roman and Viking imagery. This is going to be really dumb, again, and I’m a little giddy.

- (sword noise)

-Do you think Madonna’s dancers had a really good time hanging out in Indianapolis before/after the game?

- OK, in general, Madonna looks great, is owning this. But her series of assisted flips and things did a bad choreographic job of protecting her, by demanding to be performed gingerly at half-speed. How many “wait, how old is she?” conversations broke out in your vicinity while she was carefully flipping around? (Those were probably inevitable in a way even Jagger or Dylan wouldn’t get, sadly.)

- Who had 2000 single “Music” in your party’s half-time medley pool, receiving all the special medley pool prize nachos in an upset victory? Was it a work friend? Was he excited??

- Music makes the bourgeoisie and the rebels.

- Madonna’s slow trot up to the crotch-level of that contorted ginger on the tight rope was amazing and hilarious. Is that the only guy in America who can do that? No normal looking people? (So that’s what became of Blake Griffin’s brother.)

- LMFAO come out, quickly proving that dumber looking people than that tightrope guy exist, thrive.

- As Conklin ably stated, this new song is really, really terrible. Is she biting on Avril Lavigne, years after the fact, kinda? Because the “Girlfriend” remix that had Lil’ Mama on it was way better than this. You should go watch that video, actually. (After we’re done here.)

- OK, well Nicki Minaj didn’t embarrass herself really, because she really wants to be mainstream popular, and she tries really hard to be charismatic in big moments towards that goal. M.I.A. on the other hand, is embarrassing precisely because she tries to throw up angry air quotes around her would-be big moments.

- The bird flip. You’re M.I.A., your last album was a bomb, people think you are a phony, sorta, truffle fries and all that. You are in a terrible, terrible song that you probably felt you couldn’t turn down, in a performance you definitely couldn’t turn down on the verge of your comeback album. So, you say “shit” on live TV and then flip off the camera. Sort of really, really funny how weak that is. Was that the first idea? “Brain-storming session: over.” M.I.A. might not be super smart, you guys.

- Was anyone else really hoping she’d do something more spectacularly misguided like taking out a big picture of Mahmoud Ahmadinejad and French kissing it or something? That Newt Gingrich would fuel his and her comeback, demonizing her for two months straight? It all could have been so much more surreal. Shit. (Bird flip.)

- Ha ha. Perfect.

- I did enjoy the slightly mis-timed digital blur-out that just missed. Some guy’s whole reason for existing in the Super Bowl broadcast, juuuust a second too late.

- “What did you say this was? Sprite commercial? Sitcom walk-on? Muppet duet? Oh, Cee-Lo’s available. Just let me know later what you need him for, and what he will be wearing. It could be anything. Well, feathers preferably, but anything for any reason is totally fine.”

- Serious question: Does “Like a Prayer” count as Madonna’s Greatest Hit? It’s closing-the-medley status would suggest that she considers it to be. But “Like a Virgin” is probably it, yeah? That would have been weird to do though, you’re right. “Material Girl” would have made some slightly subversive sense. Super Bowl Sunday is a holiday where people get really psyched about being marketed to, after all.

- “World Peace.” Biggest laugh line at the party I attended. We did it! Do you know how many Isrealis and Palestinians saw that cloud of gold glitter dust and then totally changed their minds about everything? No one has that number? Is there no way to check? Too bad. Probably worked.

4 Comment

  • 1) Good synopsis of MIA’s dubious appearance. Always been a poseur dimwit despite how much people wished it wasn’t so. Refreshing that it’s impossible to pretend otherwise anymore.

    2) Cmon, Jagger gets a ton of shit about his wrinkly ancientness. And rightly so.

  • Yeah, you’re right, he’s much older than her though. I should have said Tom Petty maybe?

  • Prince, perhaps. Tom Petty was never anyone’s idea of a sex symbol.

  • MADONNA WAS HORRIBLE…. IF I WANTED TO WATCH AN AROBIC EXERCISE ROUTINE … I WILL GO TO THE GYM……. THAT WAS THE WORST HALFTIME EVER