Oh, Valentine’s Day. You are the worst. I know that the person bitching about the corporatization of love is 100 times more tiresome than the person who can’t wait for their chocolate-scented couples aromatherapy massage or whatever. But man, it takes some balls to charge double and call it a deal. I guess the thinking is that you can either choose to pay a truly stupid amount of money for something on Valentine’s day or explain to your special sweetie why you respect them enough not to take them out to dinner? It seems worth learning how to cook just in case you ever date anyone who insists on doing a romantic thing for Valentine’s day. Here are five of the worst Valentine’s day-branded “deals” I have come across.
1. Prix Fixe at the 21 Club: $125 a person. As anyone in the restaurant industry will tell you, Valentine’s Day prix fixe dinners are a straight-up scam. Not only is the service going to be rushed and terrible, since the servers are going to be busy jamming diamond rings into chocolate lava cakes all night, but the menu is usually smaller than usual, and the kitchen is grouchy from having to crank out a zillion covers. Still, restaurants feel comfortable charging whatever they please, since V-day is one day they know they have you by the balls (or lady balls). Take this 21 Club “deal,” for example: their regular prix fixe is $75 a person—this one is $125 a person because it includes a “champagne toast.” That better be some tasty-ass champagne for $50 a glass.
2. Two Dozen Roses: $230. Two hundred and thirty dollars! For twenty-four roses! Roses are flowers for people who don’t care about flowers! Oh but they’re “long-stemmed.” That’s probably why they cost so much. Growing all that extra stem. They come in a lovely cheap-ass glass vase. Ugh, roses.
3. Giant brightly-colored canvas print of your lips: normally $300, but now only $150. Half off, what a deal! You just kiss a thing and then they print it on a thing, then you give it to someone and they feel obligated to hang it in their house somewhere. This is so everybody’s style. They even provide the lip gloss, which could normally run you like at least $150 just by itself. I can’t imagine a more thoughtful gift than a personalized Warhol knockoff. “When you’re not around I like to just put my body up next to your lip thing and pretend it’s you kissing me, because of how much that lip print looks like your lips and not some generic person’s lips. It’s very sensual.”
4. Private ice skating plus some champagne and dessert: $3500. !!! Yes, of course Urban Daddy is the one putting this deal together. First of all, I think it is hilarious how all these hotels and restaurants and places slap some champagne onto to something and now it supposed to be worth thousands of dollars. Champagne is not actually that hard to get, it turns out. Ask the nice people at Astor Wine, they will get you some. Anyway, some rich assholes can go ice skating for one hour without a bunch of shitty plebs around and then eat some dessert and drink some champagne for only like three months of a normal person’s rent. Waiter, I’ll take four.
5. This fucking bear: $41.50. Is this for an adult? I don’t know what is worse, an adult with a $40 stuffed animal or a child with a $40 stuffed animal. Not to even mention that you’re paying Build-a-Bear Workshop prices but this dog/bear COMES ALREADY BUILT. Where is the fun in that? Is building them even the fun part? I don’t understand stuffed animals. Probably because I am an adult.