If last night’s episode of 2 Broke Girls had aired in 2008, it would have been hailed as groundbreaking. Cupcakes? NEVER HEARD OF ‘EM. Bacon? REVOULTIONARY. Gay people? How CHIC. Bacon cupcakes made in a gay couple’s apartment in Williamsburg? *HEAD EXPLODES, Scanners-style* Lucky hypothetical head-exploding me. He didn’t have to watch all of 2 Broke Girls.
#5. “I heard of an after-party in SoHo and an after-after-party in DUMBO. So let’s GoHo, have fun, and get this vacation started.”
#4. “Well, have a good time, and while you’re four blocks away having your vacation, I’ll be at home, maybe taking a MASTURBACATION.”
You know that there at least a dozen people out there who watched this episode, heard the word “masturbacation,” and thought to themselves, “I’m going to start using that.” These are the same kind of people who just discovered cupcakes and Brooklyn.
#3. “You put the ‘oh no’ in kimono.”
Caroline’s face as she spit out that garbage says it all:
#2. “I’m telling you, it serves the best vegan stew anywhere. You really should put it in your blog.”
“Oh, if I write one more article about something vegan, all of my devoted 10,000 readers will hold hands and collectively jump out a window.”
They really got the cadence of us Internet folk down. We should have known those cupcakes with Oleg’s penis made of sprinkles on top, compliments of someone named Pichael Katrick Ming, were bugged.
#1. “Max, look out, you’re so tired, you’re spilling batter all over yourself.”
“I knew it was only a matter of time before I became a BATTERed woman.”
If I walked into the 2 Broke Girls writers’ room with a squash and said, “Please don’t SQUASH my dreams,” do you think they’d give me a job?