Tennesee, Your Abstinence-Only Sex Ed Does Not Go Far Enough: Some Suggestions

04/12/2012 4:15 PM |

If only our impoverished public schools could afford these! So much easier!e
  • If only our impoverished public schools could afford these! So much easier!

Tennessee senators have recently decided to include “gateway sexual activities” as no-nos in their state’s abstinence-only sex ed curriculum:

Tennessee senators approved an update to the state’s abstinence-based sex education law that includes warnings against “gateway sexual activity.”

In a new family life instructions bill, holding hands and kissing could be considered gateways to sex.

Which is all well and good, but what about pre-gateway sexual activities? Things that could lead kids down the garden path to where they would consider a kiss or hand-hold? We must stop them even before they get to the gateway, or else all is lost. No wonder states with abstinence-only sex ed have the highest rates of teen pregnancy! They’re not even thinking about the pre-gateway!

Here are some additional things Tennessee youths need to be on the lookout for, if they want to preserve their purity:

1. Eye contact. Eyes are the window to the soul, and the soul is a total horn dog. Since we can’t arrange premarital soulectomies, eye contact should be avoided. Ideally, girls should be taught to walk with their eyes cast down, so they don’t tempt boys into accidentally meeting their gaze.

2. Proximity. It’s only because kids are allowed near each other that pre-sexual contact can happen. We could have the girls sit in the back of classroom and never speak, and walk a few paces behind the boys. The less visible they are, the less likely they are to encourage attempts at hand-holding or other lewd activity.

3. Hygiene. You’ve got these teenagers running around, surging with hormones, and you’re telling them to brush their teeth every day? Why? Clean mouths led to kissing! Think about it—all that deodorant and perfume and makeup, they might as well be wearing signs that say “Open for Gateway Sexual Activity.” No, call me old-fashioned, but I don’t think dental care has a place outside of marriage.

4. Self-knowledge. Obviously, masturbation is a sin. Kids should already know that indulging in self-love only feeds the demon of sexual desire. But did you know that almost all teenagers are allowed to look at their genitals whenever they want? Knowing what you’ve got going on down there, anatomy-wise, is the first step along a path that ends in sexual activity! We need to get pictures of human genital anatomy OUT of the classroom, and onto the smut heap where they belong. If only there were some kind of shield we could install on their stomachs? Or maybe just encourage them to close their eyes when washing any of their “down there” parts. And don’t even get me started on boys and what they have to touch for stand-up peeing. If Tennessee is serious about abstinence-only, they should take all of the urinals out of high schools. Sit down until you’ve got a ring on that finger, fellas!

That ought to do it. If you teach a strong abstinence-only sex ed curriculum, you withhold all of the knowledge young people require to ever have sex, pre-sex, gateway sexual activity, or pre-gateway sexual activity. There is literally no other way for them to explore premarital sex. Chastity achieved!