Thank You, Styles Section, For This Informative Nail Polish Article

04/05/2012 12:51 PM |

Forever alone.
  • Forever alone.

Yesterday, the Times published a VERY helpful article about how boys don’t like green nail polish. It was first-class journalism and saved me from a lifetime of nail color-induced unfuckability, and my only concern is if there will be enough Pulitzers to give to Stephanie Rosenbloom for reporting like this:

And she’s hardly the only one to feel that way. Stop a man on the street and ask him what he thinks of nails the color of Grey Poupon.

“It makes me think of the old Hi-C juice cartridges from when I was a kid and they had Slimer on them,” said Chris McLaughlin of New York, referring to a promotion the beverage company did with “Ghostbusters.”

“A man never asks his wife to wear that one yellow dress that drives him crazy — it’s not a sexy color,” said Richard Dorment, a senior editor at Esquire magazine, about the yellow and green nail polish pouring off salon shelves. “It’s the color of mucus. It’s the color of infection. It’s the color of old piano keys.”

“I was getting a handjob from this one girl and at first I was like YEAH! but then I looked down and saw her nails,” said Roy Daniels, this guy who is always at the old man bar near my house. “I saw they were painted green and my stomach turned. I slapped her hand away and told her never to come back. Disgusting.”

But I still have so many unanswered questions! I exist solely to be pleasing for men to look at, but I don’t know their opinions on so many things I might wear or do! Please, Styles Section, consider asking Chris McLaughlin about the following things:

  • * What is the correct eyeshadow color to get him to put his penis inside of me? Brown? Grey? Silver? Green? J/k! I know it’s not green!
  • * Can I wear bracelets?
  • * Are my teeth okay? How about my boobs? They could be bigger, right? I’ll call the surgeon.
  • * Tell me who to vote for! Politics are commmplicated and I can’t read the paper when my nails are wet!
  • * Help me pick out underwear. The more expensive and less comfortable, the better.
  • * I have a yellow dress that makes my ass look really good. What should I do? Burn it? I don’t want to look like old piano keys, gross!
  • * I feel hopelessly, utterly alone in a hostile universe. All I want is to be loved, but all I find is pain and humiliation. Do you think my lip color is too bold?
  • * Maybe you could just make a list of all the stuff that stupid girls and their stupid girl brains think is cute or fun or decorative, but is actually unacceptable, so none of walk around accidentally looking how we want to.