Scorpio Oct 23-Nov 21
Rules aren’t, in fact, made to be broken, Scorpio. They are designed explicitly to be followed. When you break the rules (gravity, threes, attraction), the universe lifts its weary face to the sky and prays for rain to hide its tears.
Sagittarius Nov 22-Dec 21
I recently left my journal at the McCarren Park dog run. It was very embarrassing. I came back the next day and all the dogs—Scooter, Harley, Izzy, Mister Mister—looked at me like I was some kind of perverse dog hater. Yes, Sagittarius, they had read my July 10 entry on Boston Terriers.
Capricorn Dec 22-Jan 19
Sometimes when you hear the songs you loved as a 13-year-old you feel your bowels contract into a sharp accusation of humiliated rage; other times, you think, “Wow, I was pretty cool for a dumb kid.” And therein lies the difference, Capricorn, between the Spin Doctors and New Order.
Aquarius Jan 20-Feb 18
What if they actually made knives out of butter? So you wouldn’t need a butter knife anymore? That would be awesome. And imagine guns that shot out peace bullets? Imagine, Aquarius, if I didn’t owe you $300?
Pisces Feb 19-Mar 20
You should never wear sports sandals, ever, under no circumstances. Just wear shoes. Or better yet, cut off your feet, so you’ll never even be tempted. Actually, Pisces, you should just fire yourself into the sun to be safe. NO SPORTS SANDALS.
Aries Mar 21-Apr 19
Life can sometimes be a lot like shitty AM rock from the mid 1970s: hollow, meaningless, and yet somehow full of harmony. Complacency is a poison bullet, Aries, that creeps ever closer to your heart.
Taurus Apr 20-May 20
It’s sad when flowers are lost to the first frost. Because before they’re hit by the morning sun, they’re actually held there in icy stasis, their youthful bloom preserved in white. And then the evil sun melts everything. The sun is evil, Taurus.
Gemini May 21-June 20
It’s never too early in the season to put holiday bells on your dog, Gemini. Particularly if you hate your dog and are worried he or she is trying to kill you in your sleep.
Cancer June 21-July 22
Where I come from you could receive 25 lashes in the town square for not celebrating Halloween—that’s how hardcore we were. I knew a guy who checked into a mental hospital for five months just so his Charles Manson costume would win the village prize. Where’s your commitment, Cancer?
Leo July 23-Aug 22
Have you ever had to go out and buy pillows, Leo? It’s an ignoble undertaking to say the least. Pillows are the kinds of things you should always just borrow from your Great Aunt or find in the road. Also, pillow salesmen. Ugh.
Virgo Aug 23-Sep 22
“This message sent from my iPhone, from a beach, near Malibu.” Wouldn’t it be cool if our gadgets provided us with the moral compasses we so often sorely lack and told the truth? So when our coworkers sent us self-important emails from the beach, WE’D KNOW? That would rule, Virgo.
Libra Sept 23-Oct 22
While ice hockey is officially seen as the dratted sport of the Norse invaders, it is nonetheless a beloved pastime on the frozen fjords of my native Lapland. This is just one more reason I love winter, Libra. Also, drinking in bars with Christmas lights is the best.