Libra Sept 23-Oct 22
If you want people to think you have fathomless depth and an old, old wisdom, just don’t say much, ever. Seriously, Libra, I’m not talking about being a little less chatty—I’m talking about stone-cold silence. Huge stretches of it. People will think you’re a fucking genius.
Scorpio Oct 23-Nov 21
I tried to have a pledge drive on my front lawn last week. I was trying to raise money from readers like you so I could buy a new fridge. I carried my old rotary phone out there, and before I could even plug it in, it rang. It was you, Scorpio, and you pledged $20. So pay up.
Sagittarius Nov 22-Dec 21
I want a nice little house in the foothills somewhere. I’m not sure which foothills, and I don’t think I really care, Sagittarius. I’ve just always loved the word foothills and what it conjures: a sleepy, rolling stretch of transitional topography, majestic (and cold!) mountains on one side, the fecund prairie on the other. Yeah, foothills.
Capricorn Dec 22-Jan 19
Suffering is entirely overrated. It confers no virtue, creates nothing new, and serves mainly to exhaust and degrade us. We are not like Paduan violas, Capricorn, gaining in depth and beauty with each decade of use… Nope, we just get tired and old.
Aquarius Jan 20-Feb 18
It turns out, Aquarius, that there are nearly 20 different Brooklyns across America, and almost all of them are cooler than the one in New York. In Brooklyn, Ohio, for example, you’re allowed to keep up to six chickens at once! SIX! That’s pretty cool.
Pisces Feb 19-Mar 20
Eternity is a long time, Pisces. So when you say you’ll be a New York Islanders fan for eternity, and that you want your remains shot out into space inside a canister with Mike Bossy’s face on it, all I have to say is “awesome.”
Aries Mar 21-Apr 19
I never said nothing! I didn’t! I would never betray you like that, Aries, I swear. I’m really good at keeping secrets. For example, I’ve kept this one secret for 30 years: Liz Lermann has three nipples. Man, that feels good to get off my chest. CHEST! HA!
Taurus Apr 20-May 20
Halloween is not a particularly scary holiday, honestly. Mainly, there’s no family involved and everyone (who’s not a small child) gets drunk and has the kind of hedonistic good time that comes from wearing a mask and being anonymous. So yeah, Taurus, not scary at all, so you can come out now.
Gemini May 21-June 20
The heart is a lonely hunter, Gemini… What does that really mean? That the heart likes to hunt, but can’t find any friends, so is lonely when it hunts? Sad heart, I guess. Do you have a sad heart sometimes? I do.
Cancer June 21-July 22
Fall rain is the coldest rain of all. Once your socks get wet with fall rain, they stay wet the whole day as you sit at your desk, contemplating your life choices, wondering if you could survive the two-story drop out the office window, which would be an awesome way to quit. Fall rain, Cancer.
Leo July 23-Aug 22
My baloney has a first name, Leo, and it’s Justin. Justin has been with me since Sidereal Vocational Training Institute and Caribou Ranch, in Ystad. Except in Sweden we called him Josteen. One day I might have to eat him, but not today.
Virgo Aug 23-Sep 22
Seattle seems pretty cool, I guess. But everyone’s a little bit sadder. And the tricky thing, Virgo, is I can’t tell if the sadness is cooler or just irritating. Like, you try to just order a bagel with soy cream cheese and you’re met with tears. Cool or not cool? I still don’t know.
Photo Ansel Adams