0:40: He plays the fucking air trumpet or some shit.
For someone who’s supposed to be so cool and so unbelievably smooth, man, playing the air trumpet is a really fucking silly thing to do. Imagine you were just driving along minding your own business and you saw some dude—even a super attractive one—like, fingering the imaginary trumpet he has in his mouth? Terrible.
1:05: There’s a cigar box that’a actually labeled “Fine Cigars”
Thanks for clarifying, Justin. Even despite the fact that the entire extent of your schtick is, like, “I am into nice, expensive things,” I thought maybe you were just smoking a 50-cent blunt.
1:23: The insane Tom Ford product placement.
I realize we’re definitely not supposed to care about things like this anymore (because, like, “Go watch Singles or something, you old loser!”), but maybe we could make an exception when the product placement is incorporated in a way where the company’s logo actually glows and sparkles? Maybe? No? K, cool.
1:48: This line doesn’t make any fucking sense.
So, first JT acknowledges that “Now we’re in the swing of love,” but then he’s like, “Let me show you a few things about love,” which doesn’t seem like it would be necessary if he and, let’s call her Jessica, were truly in the swing of love like he said they were.
2:20: This line is maybe kind of offensive, but mostly just gross and totally dorky.
Really, Justin? “Go on and show ‘em who you call Daddy” made the final cut? Six fucking years, and you couldn’t come up with something better than that? The distance between his actual songs and the shit he does on Saturday Night Live is basically non-existent at this point.
2:32: He’s not really smoking that cigarette, is he?
There’s a shot earlier on of him surrounded by a cloud of smoke, and then there’s a few shots of a cigarette burning in an ashtray when, like, anyone who actually smokes would obviously be cranking away on it rather than just, like, staring blankly in the opposite direction.
2:40: Wait, how is this shit not even halfway over?!?!
Yo, this song is waaaay too long. What else could possibly happ…
3:15: Oh, this Jay-Z verse is the worst.
There’s not a single redeeming moment in this clumsy, jumbled mess. And “they ain’t lose a daughter, got a son” is the kind of shit that wouldn’t even make it into a father of the bride speech at a rehearsal dinner. This is just totally unfathomable.
4:55: This heel-clicking shuffle thing he’s doing.
Just get in the car, homeboy. No need to be all fucking fancy about it.
5:20: Dude looks ridiculous breaking the glass.
You’ve just spent five minutes ostensibly showing us how fucking cool you are, and then when it comes time to break some glass, you go and guard against a potential injury by burying your face in your arm first? Not a good look. None of it.