Capricorn Dec 22-Jan 19
There is a country called Sjype, where the ice never melts and you never have to ask for a fresh tankard and the bread is as black as a bear’s ass and the men all cry when they fight and the women all fight when they cry and there’s always hockey on TV. I want to go there with you now, Capricorn.
Aquarius Jan 20-Feb 18
Rumor has it that people are afraid of you, Aquarius. That they’re whispering about you in bathroom stalls and calling you mad and power-hungry. If this is who you really are, embrace it. Make them shake with fear. If you think you’re misunderstood, buy them some cookies. Everyone likes cookies.
Pisces Feb 19-Mar 20
Idle flattery is a serious sin. But idol flattery is not a bad way to spend your days. “Your belly is so round. Your earlobes are so pendulous. You have eyes like banyan leaves.” Fucking idols.
Aries Mar 21-Apr 19
You think you run with fancy people, don’t you, Aries? They’re not fancy. You’re not fancy. You’d feel more at home in a Midtown hotel, but I have news for you. You can’t rent those hotel rooms by the hour. They’re only available by the night.
Taurus Apr 20-May 20
Indiana Jones said he was a doctor. But I have a hard time believing he got it together to write his dissertation. With the right hat—and a whip—anyone can say they’re a doctor.
Gemini May 21-June 21
Do you get tired of people romanticizing you, Gemini? Do you get tired of the poetry flung at you in the dark hours of the night? What’s wrong with you? There is nothing better than having people fall at your feet so that you can step on them and get higher than you’ve ever been before. Unless it’s bad poetry. Use your better judgment.
Cancer June 22-July 22
Once someone told me that everyone likes either Mexican food or Chinese food. No one can like both. But I think you don’t like either, Cancer. I think you just like oatmeal, because you’re fucking boring. Try something different. Burn your tongue. Live.
Leo July 23-Aug 22
This is the worst time of the year for you, Leo. It’s cold and you wear hats and you don’t look good in hats. Some people look good in hats, but not you. This too shall pass. Get earmuffs instead, maybe. You’ll still look ridiculous, but you always do. We all do.
Virgo Aug 23-Sep 22
The worst instrument is a saxophone. But the best is a xylophone. There are other good instruments, but everyone looks good playing a xylophone. The thing is, Virgo, you would look even better playing the guitar. Or the upright bass.
Libra Sept 23-Oct 22
Boys. All I ever think about is Boys. Rick Moody wrote it in 2000. For Elle, which is not the same as The L. I don’t know why people get us confused. Rick Moody is always ruining everything, getting in my head, bringing me down, not letting me get high. Boys. Fucking Boys.
Scorpio Oct 23-Nov 21
Once, not long ago, someone said to me, “You’re the devil, you know.” And I replied, “I know.” That man was Canadian Mike Myers and this happened in a dream, but that doesn’t mean it isn’t true. It doesn’t mean I’m not the devil. So pay attention when I say, Scorpio, that things are about to get dark for you. But you like dark, don’t you?
Sagittarius Nov 22-Dec 21
I was making pancakes using a spatula shaped like a snowflake. The longer I looked at the snowflake spatula, the more I realized that it looked like a gaping white asshole. I burned my pancakes. But my bacon was still good.