As so often happens on the internet, yesterday, my obligatory trawling took a particularly odd turn for the weird and dark, thanks to Buzzfeed’s inexplicable feature, “The 55 Worst Songs to Hear As You Die.” Now, granted, this totally all-over-the-place list that includes TV jingles, songs from memes, and an entry from the Barenaked Ladies, is comprised of songs that would be utterly terrible to hear in your last moments of life. But still, it feels… off.
It did get me to thinking, though, about the natural follow-up: the very worst songs to play during a human birth. It’s the obvious next step, yes? I know absolutely nothing of what I assume is the very intense, specific experience of bringing a child into this world, however, so you know, I’d rather not make assumptions or anything. Maybe hearing “Push It” is somehow really inspirational and not at all crass, I have no idea. I have, however, been surgically extracted from a womb once or twice in my day (once), and, had I been fully sentient and aware of what music even was yet, am pretty confident that I’ve found the songs I would have wanted to hear least at that crucial point in time. These are them.