Watch Lana Del Rey Seduce a Jaguar (Car), and Walk a Tiger (Cat) in New, Mutant Offspring of Ad and Video

02/14/2013 12:09 PM |


There’s a new Lana Del Rey video out, everybody, because she loves us on this the day of love, and she also loves the Jaguar F-TYPE on this the day of contractually agreed-upon fulfillment of her endorsement deal with the sexiest of high-performance roadsters. “Burning Desire”, is her official new songvertisement for making love to a sports cars. She sings it to an empty concert hall, not totally unlike the full one her hero and former lover Axl Rose once filled. But these are different times.

The video, and way too much discussion of it, below:

I think YouTube commenter “Veronica Bautista V” best captures what we are all thinking:

“Nothing better than to collaborate with jaguar, wool is extremely elegant and sexy! The song a real past!”

But some other things:

– First, I should stipulate that this is definitely not the worst Lana Del Rey song. It might be the best? It still makes you feel pretty gross, but it’s streamlined and catchy. Maybe I legitimately like the dumb “I’m driving fast—flash…” breakdown, even?

– Is anyone else totally alarmed by her breathing at the start of the song? “Were there peanuts in that arugula salad? LDR IS ALLERGIC TO PEANUTS! Somebody call the fire-red Jaguar ambulance!”

– If Jaguar allows it, this song will be in the soundtrack and/or trailer of a Zack Snyder movie. Got a reeeeal Snyder vibe. My Snyder sense is tingling.

– Pitch meeting with Jaguar execs: “I’m just spitballing here, but what if Marlo Thomas from That Girl had a fashion tiger?”

– Wouldn’t it have been great if at some point, post-Mean Girls, Lindsay Lohan just disappeared, like, nobody had any idea where she was at all, and it was a huge mystery. But then, a maaaaaaybe slightly surgically enhanced bombshell singer showed up a few years later, and no one knew where she came from, but some websites did a little digging and it turns out that LANA DEL REY WAS THE NEW LOHAN BUTTERFLY NOW BROKE FROM HER COCOON?? That would have been a way better version of both stories! I might just start pretending that is true.

– Pitch meeting with Jaguar execs: “Can we limit this to one overt masturbation reference?”

– What is Lana’s deal, do you think? Seriously, it’s been over a year and we still do not know what her actual deal is. And I know that everyone thinks that’s she’s calculated and manufactured, and I don’t disagree with that, because she so obviously is, but to what end? To what end????

She’s like a corny idea Don Draper has in a Mad Men episode, that’s supposed to illustrate that he’s lost his touch with the times, but we see it and we know everything that happened in America after that weird, patronizing, old-timey moment, so our gut nostalgia comes with a certain dark weight. As such, her character actaully feels very contemporary. But the whole project is not as good or interesting as that sounds, at all, it’s only trying to be? (Jaguar did not come off well in the last season of Mad Men, by the way. Their greasy sales rep turned a poor, curvaceous redhead into a prostitute, if you remember correctly? So, it’s good that they went an entirely different direction for this.)

– LDR’s whole personage is both totally boring and super weird, simultaneously. It’s confusing!

As a final reminder for those who end their snark at saying that she filmed a music video that was really a car commercial—Yeah, she did exactly that. But it’s stranger, because that’s not even really what car commercials look like? And Internet kids in her direct demographic can’t buy Jaguars unless their dad is a sheik? (Is this a commercial for sheiks’ kids???) And they aren’t going to use that as the real commercial, because they already released the real commercial when this super synergy plan was announced in September, remember?:

Even more driving, less masturbation references, exactly zero tigers. Just like your college advertising textbook said (See: “Big Cat Brand Coherence, Theory of”).

So what is this and what is it for? Who is she and what is she for?