Girls Recap: Don’t Ash In My Mermaid

03/04/2013 9:45 AM |


  • Jessica Miglio

We see Adam. Adam! Oh, Adam. Don’t drink out of that mason jar full of old milk, Adam. Just don’t do it. Get new milk. Get new milk is kind of the lesson for everyone this week on Girls. Although, I guess I’m not really sure if that’s a lesson at all. Because that’s not a thing people say, is it? Get new milk. But in a way, it kind of is a lesson, and that lesson is this—stop drinking from the same mason jar of old, sour, vomit-inducing milk. Why? Because it’s going to make you sick. Everyone on this week’s episode realizes that there is no going back, that they need to move forward and leave the old, clotted dairy products behind. Or something like that. What I’m saying is that when you’re able to chew your milk, throw it out. And don’t call your ex-girlfriend who is going through her own unhealthy regression issues. That won’t help anyone. Put the phone down, Adam, and move on. You’ll see. Things get better. At least for a little while. Everything is probably ultimately doomed. But at least you won’t get sick from the old milk.

But, sadly, Adam can’t hear my advice and so he calls Hannah, who doesn’t pick up. Hannah is walking down the street and is, well, not looking so good. Splotchy and sweaty and anxious and awful. The phone call triggers a series of head jerks that she counts off: 1-2-3-4-5-6-7-8. And then we see Hannah do several more things—bang her door, count out chips, chew the chips—at each instance she counts off 8 times. These are some major OCD issues that we’ve never seen specifically with Hannah but which make a weird kind of sense for the character. Hannah is under a huge amount of stress from her book deal and it is understandable that she would regress into the obsessive-compulsive behaviors that, we find out, she dealt with in her childhood. I have to say, after seeing Hannah in just about every compromising position known to man over the last two seasons, this was the first time I ever felt like averting my eyes. It was too painful to watch. It is too open a wound. She can’t escape, and it’s raw and terrible. Girls.

So, we then see Marnie (who is awful in pigtails) and Shoshanna and Ray walking through Washington Square Park and talking about Jessa’s disappearance. Because Shoshanna is genuinely sweet, she is worried about Jessa. “Like where is she? What is she wearing? Is it linen? Is she warm enough?” And because Marnie is awful, she is not worried at all, saying contemptuously, “She’s warm enough. She’s definitely warm enough.” Ugh, Marnie. Get over it. It’s not Jessa’s fault you’re awful.

Ray, of course, is the voice of reason, saying that Jessa is fine because, “She’s a fucking hustler. And not in the positive sense of that word.” I didn’t say the voice of reason had to be nice. It’s just reasonable.

Of course, Marnie gets all bitchy again, spitting out, “This is what she does. She fucks shit up, leaves, and then blames it on her marriage or her relationship with her dad. But this is what she does, this is classic Jessa.” Shut up, Marnie. Sometimes people blame stuff on actually bad shit that’s happened. Like having a bad marriage or problems with their dad. That is not unacceptable to do. That is human. Try to be human too, Marnie.

Anyway. I shouldn’t be too harsh to Marnie, even though she sucks and is a grown woman wearing pig tails, because Marnie is about to get a wake-up call. It turns out that Charlie sold an app he created and now has a great job and a staff of eleven people and works in a corner office in Chelsea. As soon as Ray and Shosh impart the knowledge to Marnie—Ray pointing out that Charlie is now “basically a bougie nightmare”—she runs off to be a jerk. Shosh says, “We may never see her again.” And everyone watching collectively says, “We wish.”

And then there is a woman on roller blades. Radhika. She goes to NYU with Shoshanna because, of course. She says something about the rollerblades being vintage and how there’s a party she’s having that Shosh and Ray should attend and knowingly eyes Ray and says to Shoshanna, “Ohhh…now I know where you’ve been all summer.” Radhika rollerblades away and Shosh freaks out because she has socially disappeared from her NYU crew and she tells Ray that, “My worst nightmare is having someone think I’m dying or have died when I haven’t, and I’m living that.” Ray refuses to go to the party because he’s 33 and not a fucking idiot but Shosh is going to go and all I can say to those two is that it was nice while it lasted. But that couple’s days are numbered.

And then here we are at an AA meeting with Adam and CAROL KANE, who I love and love and love for just about everything. So, this is exciting. What do we find out? Well, Adam has been sober since he was 17. Also, we learn a lot about how he felt like with Hannah including that “it wasn’t love, at least not the way I imagined it” but that he loved showing her things like “the street Central Park began on and how to use soap” and he wanted “to get the chance to show someone everything.” But then it all ended—”she changed her mind about me and it was THAT fast”—and Adam was left adrift. Well, that was perfect. Adam Driver is amazing in this part and he sold that speech so well and not just to the viewers but also to Carol Kane who thinks that Adam is “cuter than a dimple in a bug’s ass” and wants him to go out with her daughter. This can ONLY end well, right? I don’t know! Probably not. But it is adorable when Adam calls Natalia and they set up a date and Adam is cripplingly nervous and knows he sounds creepy but can’t help himself. “Hi, Natalia. I’m a creep.” It’s amazing.

And, Marnie stalks Charlie. Because she’s awful. She goes to his office which has baby blue Eames chairs in the seating area and watches him talk to some female employees and then tries to pretend that she was just in the neighborhood because “Chelsea is very central.” To what? Absolutely nothing. But Marnie’s bad lies are not really the point. Charlie is impatient though and when Marnie claims, “I’m here for support!” He shoots right back, “From me or for me?” She can’t even reply. Charlie has no space for her anymore and although his office is pretty much full of bizarre antics that would make working there a living hell, like sirens going off because “the office next door is doing a lip dub thing for their YouTube channel,” Marnie is still jealous. Because she gets that Charlie is not drinking old, sour milk anymore. He’s moved on. And she’s just the old, sour milk. That’s drinking herself? I don’t really know. But I think you get what I’m saying.

5 Comment

  • Great review…so good that I think I may get rid of my cable and just read your reviews…#deadserious

  • Reviews of the television series ‘Girls’ land like sloppy black fudge on a sundae of “this bullshit should have been a 75 minute movie in 2003 instead of a trite lets take Adderall ( author a fan) and shop at an overpriced Cobble Hill shop ( yellow mesh shirt traded at club while Hannah was high on cocaine from Bird, Smith St; 250$ ) blah blah boring to begin with. Why recap? Unoriginal cooler talk snoozefest. L, the lazy.

  • Pretty certain you call the doorman “creepy” because he’s Dominican. Come on now.

  • “Chelsea is very central.” I figured she was talking about art… maybe she was trying to make a sly Booth Jonathan reference.

  • I find Hannah an irritating pain in the arse! Anyone agree with me?