Girls Recap: I Love You the Way That I Feel Sorry for a Monkey

03/18/2013 9:30 AM |

Making your bed into something resembling a gerbils nest is actually a very effective technique for when youre trying to write. Or so Ive heard.

  • Making your bed into something resembling a gerbil’s nest is actually a very effective technique for when you’re trying to write. Or so I’ve heard.

So we’ve come to the end of this season of Girls. Have we learned anything? Did we expect to learn anything? Is the purpose of watching a television show to learn anything? I mean, sure it is. And, even if nobody else did, I learned something. I learned that Googling paranoid, health-related questions in order to further procrastinate writing a book is not something that is exclusive to me. And that was a valuable lesson. And so we open on Hannah doing exactly that. Her ear is still bothering her. The OCD is still rearing its ugly head. Hannah does not appear to have showered in quite some time and you can almost smell the sour milk body odor coming out of the screen. It is not good. She is not doing well. Girls.

We cut from Hannah to her editor, John Cameron Mitchell, who now has a name, which is David, and is made even more endearing to me than I thought possible because he sits at his computer, quoting e.e. cummings to himself while admiring a picture of Chloe Sevigny. “Oh, Chloe,” he says. “Not even the rain has such small hands.” So that was perfection. I never thought I could experience perfection from a line of dialogue uttered by a guy wearing a Bluetooth, but there you have it. And, of course, that cummings poem was also referenced in Woody Allen’s “Hannah and Her Sisters” so that’s just perfection too. Life is full of funny surprises, it really is. Some of them are even carefully crafted surprises, but still. They are still funny and perfect.

Anyway, David is asking Hannah for the pages that she owes him and as it becomes clearer and clearer that she’s got nothing, David just flat out tells her, “If you don’t give us the pages, then we sue you.” You see, Hannah already received an advance, which of course she already spent, so David wants some content.

Hannah hangs up her phone and burrows deeper into her bed, sing-songing to herself, “I’m gonna write a whole book in a day. I’m gonna write a whole book in a day.” Good luck with that Hannah.

And then we move on to Charlie, who doesn’t need luck with anything, because the guy has some crazy skills at what it is he’s doing. And what it is he’s doing is eating pussy. Whose? Marnie’s. They’re still together and Marnie is definitely benefitting because Charlie is so, so good at going down on her. In fact, he’s so good, that Marnie is a little suspicious and asks him, “Why did you get so good at this? Seriously. How many people have you slept with since we broke up?”

Charlie responds in the only way that is appropriate and, like, sane. He says, “Seriously. I’m not doing this if you do that. Relax.” And so Marnie does shut up because I guess she’s not a total idiot and they continue to have good, good sex. Good for them. I might not like Marnie at all, but I can at least appreciate a couple that appreciates each other’s oral skills. That’s a thing I appreciate, I guess.

Something that I would not appreciate in real life, but definitely appreciate in this show, is terrible sex. And even though we’ve seen really terrible sex on this show, I think this scene of Ray and Shoshanna having sex might be the most terrible sex ever on this show (and, yes, I watched last week’s episode) and might even just be the worst sex I’ve ever seen. I mean, Shoshanna actually spits out the words “Will you get out of me?” in the middle of the terrible sex. Yikes. And she’s wearing a sweatshirt and is clearly unhappy and, yeah, this isn’t going anywhere good. But Shosh isn’t the greatest at break-ups, so when Ray wants to know what’s wrong, all she’ll tell him is, “You have no ambition and it’s wearing on me, your lack of ambition.” Which, while not untrue, is not the whole truth, so their relationship gets a reprieve for now, but it’s only temporary. Like, very temporary. We’re talking about ten minutes.

Meanwhile, Adam and Natalia are also having sex. Everyone’s having sex! But this sex isn’t really so great. Although Natalia is being very vocal about what she wants and they have clearly moved on in one way or another from the last sexual encounter we saw them have, it’s not going well. They’re talking to each other, but they don’t really speak the same language.

For example, Adam wants to know, “You like my cock?”

“Yeah,” whispers Natalia, who tends to get “a bad case of the whispers” during sex, but so far so good in the communication department, right?

Adam comes right back with, “You’re a dirty little whore and you like my cock.”

Uh, well, actually, “No,” Natalia says. “I can like your cock and not be a whore. Do you understand?”

And Adam does understand. But it’s not what he’s into. And it seems like Natalia understands too. They’re just not meant to be. Which is really all for the best because there must be someone out there for Adam who likes to be called a dirty whore (Hi, Hannah!) and there must be someone out there for Natalia who doesn’t need to debase her to get off. I mean, I would really hope there’s someone out there like that for her. Maybe Patrick Wilson? They seem like they’d get along.