There Is Now An App to Help You Break Up With Someone

03/07/2013 1:55 PM |

Breaking up is hard to do.

  • c/o
  • Breaking up is hard to do.

This is just another way that Girls is exactly like real life. Which means that there are now, officially, an infinite number of ways that Girls is just like real life. So, it’s good to have that settled.

The New York Times, combining the endlessly fascinating topics of social media and heartbreak, reported on the newest way that people are moving on from relationships that have bitten the dust. As the Times so correctly notes, “breaking up has always been excruciating, but at least in the old days lovers could split, move on and retain their dignity. Now, in the age of social media, extrication is nearly impossible.” This is true. You’d have to have amazing, basically superhuman willpower in order to avoid checking out an ex’s Facebook or seeing who he or she has been hanging out with on Instagram. And if by some amazing, or even not so amazing, powers of deductions, you managed to figure out what new person had caught his or her eye, then it would probably be next to impossible not to try and find out everything about this person, by, I don’t know, stalking their twitter feed and committing their twitter avatar to memory or other equally unsavory things.

But! You don’t want to be such a sad, pathetic mess do you? You don’t want to be some kind of psycho stalker who embarrasses herself by accidentally liking one of your ex’s Facebook statuses at 3 in the morning, do you? I would hope not. I would hope you have some shame. And, so if you do have shame, just no willpower, then maybe these apps are for you. The Times article shares new innovations like “Killswitch, a mobile app that promises to ‘seamlessly and discreetly remove all traces of your ex from your Facebook,’” which maybe isn’t as cool as “Forbid,” the app Charlie invented on Girls which financially penalizes people who contact their exes, but it’s still something.

There’s also a new app “called the Ex-Lover Blocker, [that] also tries to tackle the impulse to reconnect. Anytime you try to call an ex, the app sends a text message to your closest friends so they can come to your rescue before you make a tragic mistake. As if that wasn’t enough, it also posts an update on Facebook alerting the world of your imminent transgression.” I think this is the most brilliant thing ever. I mean, fuck having self-control. Who needs it? Nobody needs it when there’s an app like this. Because the repercussions are so severe that they would basically stop you from ever contacting your ex again. This app would just be great for so many things really, not just blocking your exes from your life. It could also be super-handy if you needed a reminder not to sleep with the wrong person or something. Shame is an amazing motivator, or so I’ve heard.

Follow Kristin Iversen on twitter @kmiversen

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