5 More Things We Should Keep Away From Teenagers

04/22/2013 1:36 PM |

What, the one store that sells to you was out of cloves today? Ugh.
  • What, the one store that sells to you was out of cloves today? Ugh.

Earlier today, Christine Quinn proposed legislation that would raise the legal cigarette-buying age to 21 from 18, in a bid to keep smokes out of the grubby, nicotine-stained little hands of teenagers.

This seems fine, mainly because it doesn’t affect me in any way. But also, because it makes it harder for teenagers to do what they do best, which is act like destructive, noisy jerks who want to make life worse for everyone, including themselves. If anything, Quinn’s legislation doesn’t go far enough! How productive and harmonious could we be, as a city, if its pimple-having, dubstep-listening, stupid furry hat-wearing residents were kept on a tighter leash? It’s hard to guess, empirically, but I’d say “much more than we are now.” So, in the ongoing, necessary crackdown on teenagers, we’ve come up with a few jumping-off points. Ideally, to be written into law immediately.

3 Comment