Revenge. Is it ever moral? Does that even matter? It sure tastes sweet on the lips, about as sweet as the sound of the Valyrian language tripping off the tongue of the mother of dragons. And that? Tastes really, really sweet. But I’m getting ahead of myself. This episode was about paying a price and seeking vengeance and never giving up because revenge can sure as hell be served cold and in a box if need be, but mostly, this episode is about never underestimating Daenerys Stormborn because she is a dragon and a dragon is not a slave. Let’s call this episode “Dragon Unchained.” The D is not silent, but it might as well be.
After last week’s horrifying ending (oh, Jaime!) there was nowhere else for this episode to start than with Jaime and Brienne, still captives to Roose Bolton’s men. But what is that we see? Jaime’s hand? Yes. Oh, Jaime! You see, Jaime’s captors are such total sadists that Jaime has to wear his hand around his neck. He’s wearing his own decaying hand like a necklace. Fuck, you guys. Just, fuck. Ahhh! Brienne looks on, worried. As she should be. And what’s this? Oh, Jaime! He falls off his horse into the mud. He needs water. Locke, the head captor, gives him a canteen, from which Jaime guzzles. Then Locke says, “Can’t say I’ve ever seen a man drink horse piss that fast.” Oh, Jaime!
Jaime vomits and then steals a sword from one of the men. But, you guys? Jaime is not left-handed. He is not left-handed at all. Oh, Jaime. This is the worst. I can’t watch it at all. Neither can Brienne, who tries to help, but is held back at sword-point.
Jaime is quickly subdued and is warned, “Do that agains and I’ll take your other hand.” Oh, Jaime! Be careful.
Meanwhile, in other Lannister news, Tyrion visits Varys. He wants proof about whether or not Cersei meant to kill him, and he wants to know why she wanted to do it. You see, Tyrion wants revenge. Varys, however, cautions Tyrion that he has “no proof, only whispers” and instead decides to tell Tyrion the story of how he became a eunuch. Well! This should be a fun bedtime tale! Actually, it’s quite horrifying, which makes sense. It can’t ever be pleasant to be made into a eunuch, I’d imagine. We find out that Varys was turned into a eunuch because of a magician who wanted to use his junk as part of a spell. That hardly seems fair. And so this haunted Varys forever. Which, naturally. But little by little, Varys gained influence and finally, FINALLY got his revenge. Which, he demonstrates to Tyrion, means that Varys has a man in a box. And that man is the magician and he really seems to be suffering. So that’s some revenge. That’s how you do revenge.
Incidentally, Salman Rushdie once said this about revenge: “I didn’t want to become some embittered old hack getting his revenge for the rest of my life. And I didn’t want to become some scared creature cowering in a corner. I remember telling myself not to carry the hatred around, although I know where it is. I have it in a trunk in storage.”
So basically Salman Rushdie IS Varys the Spider. This makes SO MUCH SENSE. My mind is blown, I don’t know about yours, but I’m assuming also blown? Moving on!
The Night’s Watch—they’re still at Craster’s. They’re shoveling shit. And doubting the Lord Commander. After all, Mormont led them to slaughter at the Fist of the First Men. So maybe he doesn’t know what he’s doing after all? The men of the Night’s Watch are not happy. Except Sam. Jolly, fat Sam. He visits Gilly and her little baby. Sam thinks the baby is beautiful. He’s alright, I guess. He cried a lot, though I probably would too if I were a baby in the cold who was going to get eaten. Anyway, Sam tells Gilly, “You’ve got to give him a name.”
“Why?” she asks. She has a point.
Gilly wants Sam to save her baby’s life. Sam wants to do it. Sam can do it! I hope. We’ll see.
We visit briefly with Bran. Bran is running. He runs after the tree-eyed crow. Jojen Reed is with him in this dream, telling Bran to go after the crow. Bran climbs a tree, after the crow. Catelyn appears, telling Bran not to climb. She begs him to promise her he won’t climb again, “Promise me. Promise me.” But she is so enthusiastic in her begging that Bran goes sailing off the tree. Oops.