Sex, Love, and Brooklyn: How to Put a Condom On with Your Mouth

04/26/2013 10:00 AM |

Condoms. Awful, am I right? There is nothing worse than getting your groove on with someone—really dry-humping the fuck out of them—and then pulling out a condom, only to watch them lose their erection. Something about that tiny foil square makes people own up to the fact they are going to have sex, and all of a sudden the weight of what that really means (i.e. holy fuck I don’t even know your name and I have a girlfriend) comes barreling down on their dicks, and there goes the wind in that sail. I can honestly say this is one moment where I am glad I am not a man.

Actually, I take that back. I can think of one thing worse than my dude losing his erection because of a condom. And that one thing is not using a condom and getting the new strand of gonorrhea that can’t be cured by antibiotics—and, of course, it’s throat gonorrhea which really sucks because when was the last time you used a condom while giving head? Or even more scary? That would be the memory of going to get tested and telling my lady doctor that I didn’t use a condom again. The judgment in her eyes was terrifying—those blazing pupils are forever burned into my mind. So, in order to avoid all this, I have developed a surefire way to put a condom on that doesn’t break the mood: I do it with my mouth. My aim is to seamlessly incorporate the condom into the foreplay. The point is to turn the act of putting on a condom from a negative one into a positive.There’s even a specific order to this—the sequence of events goes from hardcore making out to giving a blow job to intercourse. This guy will really feel like he lucked out.

Here’s my patented step-by-step guide:

Step 1.
Take your time. The most awkward part of getting the condom out is how everyone wants to rush it. There’s this terrible anxiety that if you don’t do it at warp speed everything will combust and sexy time will be over forever. You and I both know this isn’t true. So slow down. Control and confidence is the most sexy thing you can have.

Step 2.
Get comfortable with condoms. Buy a few boxes and open them all up. I always put the condom on myself. This way I’m totally in charge and I don’t have to lie there doing nothing, watching the guy watch me, both of us wondering what the other is thinking. Also, I’m a natural performer, so I like to make eye contact, and I like knowing that half the joy of a receiving a blow job is my man looking at me doing my thing on his dick.
However, I will admit that in spite of my obvious sexual prowess, I have put many a condom on wrong. To this day there is still a slight panicky feeling in my chest every time I contemplate that rubber sock. I think to myself, Which way does it go? and it always takes a minute to figure it out. To be totally honest, I’ve even put one on wrong as recently as 2 months ago. Even though it was embarrassing, we both laughed about it, and it loosened us up. It seems that some guys are a little intimidated to fuck a sex columnist, and it helps to know I can mess things up too. Sex is confusing and admitting that puts all participants at ease. And, hey, I didn’t fart. I count that as an achievement. Just remember that when you put a condom on wrong you can’t turn it the right side up and use it again. Pre-cum is real people, and more potent than cum cum. So throw the sucker out and start over. If you only have one condom, then feel free to glare at each other and make really loud sighing noises, then turn the lights off and pretend to go to sleep.

Step 3.
My advice for remembering which way the prophylactic goes is that it has to have a lip. Put the condom in your mouth with its lip hanging out against your own lips. Unfortunately, this always reminds me of a pacifier, and is not an image I want singed into his pupils, so I try to get down to business right away. Keep your teeth away from the condom—not only because no one likes blow jobs al dente, but also because those pointy suckers could tear right through the protective barrier. I do not use condoms with spermicide because they are really bad for all the good bacteria in your vagina, and I’m at an age where no good fuck is worth a yeast infection. Maybe a UTI, but definitely not thrush. Plus, if used correctly, a regularly lubed condom is protection enough.

Step 4
Put the condom on the dick. All you have to do is lean over and kiss his dick with your condom mouth. Then roll the condom down his shaft. Hint: Use your hands. If you have absolutely no gag reflex and some sick mouth muscles, by all means use only your mouth to slip the condom down around the dick. But in my experience, your hands are your best friends, both with putting a condom on and with blow jobs. Keep your mouth sucking on the head and then roll the condom down with your hands. It’s easier and no one will the know the difference. Also, the extra stimulation of hands and mouth feels great.

Step 5.
Condom’s on. You’re dunzo. Rock each other’s world. Make sure though that when you both finish (at the same time, just like in the movies) you hold onto the condom as he pulls out. I once had a “friend,” that didn’t do this and couldn’t find the condom anywhere. Then she did find it. Three days later. The condom was hanging out in her vagina with her house keys.

Follow Lacy Warner on twitter @laceoface

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