This episode included a scene wherein our hero, Jaime Lannister (oh, he’s not your hero? just because he almost killed a child in order to protect the sister he was fucking? good for you that your morals are so on point—feel proud), rescues Brienne from A BEAR in a heart-stopping scene that had me feeling actively nervous for their safety and their lives, but still that wasn’t even close to being the most traumatic part of the episode, because, you know what? THEON GOT CASTRATED. A lot of other stuff also happened. But castration? That’s a pretty big deal. Bigger than a bear? Maybe, yeah.
But, we’ll start at the beginning, I guess. Here we are with the wildlings and Jon Snow. They’ve safely made their way down the wall, which couldn’t have been easy, but they did it. Now they just have to get to Castle Black, which, Jon believes will take about a week via the roads.
Ygritte basically snorts in his face and says, “You and your roads. That’s how you fight? You march down the roads, banging drums and waving banners?”
“Mostly, yes,” says Jon. He realizes it sounds kind of stupid. But it’s honest. And he’s basically always honest when he’s not totally lying about where his loyalties lie.
“How do the men with banners fight?” asks Ygritte.
“They don’t really. It’s a great honor to carry your house sigil.” Luckily, Jon doesn’t need to explain what a sigil is to Ygritte. The point of this whole conversation is: war is stupid. Ceremony is stupid. All of it is stupid when it is in the service of rich men who want to get richer and more powerful and don’t care how many of the little men die. Honor means nothing—sigils mean nothing—when you’re dead.
Ah, and speaking of honor meaning nothing. Here’s Robb, the wedding oathbreaker, delayed on the way to the Frey castle for Edmure Tully’s wedding. Catelyn is worried that this additional delay will upset Walder Frey even further, but Robb only seems to care about boning his wife. Which he then proceeds to do. And while he nominally seems to want to think about the war he’s still fighting, he really just wants to get back into bed with Talisa for a little more boning. And guess what else? She’s pregnant. With a little prince or princess of the North. A new heir! This could be interesting.
And now it’s time for a little girl talk. Sansa and Margery are discussing Sansa’s impending nuptials. Sansa feels pretty down about the whole thing. Partly because Tyrion is a Lannister and she would never want to marry a Lannister, but mostly because Tyrion is a dwarf. Margaery, being awesome, points out that, “Women in our position must make the best of our circumstances.” And also that Tyrion really is, “rather good-looking even with the scar. Especially with the scar.”
Sansa doesn’t seem convinced, but Margaery also tries to persuade her by reminding Sansa that any son she has with Tyrion will be the Lord of Casterly Rock and heir to the North. Also, Margaery has heard that Tyrion is quite the lay. Not, I guess, at the level of recently devirginized Pod, but not far off. Sansa seems quite scandalized and we are once again reminded that Tyrell women are the absolute best.
Tyrion has his own fears about marrying Sansa, telling Bronn, “She’s a child. A tall child.”
Bronn will have none of it, pointing out to Tyrion that girls not much older than Sansa have warmed his bed before and that Tyrion can still sleep with Shae and marry Sansa and retain a good deal of power. It all sounds pretty convincing, but later, when Tyrion tries to explain everything to Shae, she flips out. Shae does not really feel like being relegated to whore-status once again.
Tyrion tries to explain, “I did not have a choice…my father…”
Shae finishes his sentence: “Does not rule the world.”
Well, except that Tywin Lannister kind of does rule the world. We see Tywin talking to that little piece of shit Joffrey, and he basically schools that little piece of shit Joffrey in everything from the fact that if Joffrey wants to attend small council meetings he can, but he will have to go to Tywin’s turf to do so, to the fact that they have enough problems at home to start worrying about the Targaryen girl and her dragons.