Game of Thrones: Tyrion and Sansa Get Married, More Bad Things Happen to a Penis

05/20/2013 9:30 AM |

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What did I learn from this episode? So much, really. For one thing, Game of Thrones is not afraid to sacrifice a penis here and there for the sake of a storyline. For another, “Come fight death with me,” is a great way of asking someone to bone. And, for a third, there is nothing hotter than a man who sneaks into your tent while bearing gifts. Especially when those gifts are the severed heads of your enemies. Nicely done, Daario. I think I like you. But! Let’s start from the very beginning.

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We open on Arya’s eye. Well, we open on Arya eying a rock. It’s a big rock. It could do some damage. But, oh, Arya. Don’t be stupid. You’re not stupid, Arya! And, yet, despite me thinking she’s not stupid, Arya—a young girl—creeps over to where the Hound—a HUGE and terrifying man—lies sleeping. She looks prepared to bash his brains in.

But, of course, he wakes up. He says, “I’ll give you one try, girl. Kill me and you’re free. But if I live, I’ll break both your hands.”

Arya, naturally, is frozen. But because she’s not stupid, she does nothing and they ride off together. She lets the Hound know, “There’s no one worse than you.” Which, I mean, Arya knows that’s not entirely true. She’s met that little piece of shit Joffrey. But it’s understandable that she would think the Hound is no better than Joffrey.

The Hound sets her straight though, saying, “There’s many worse than me. Men who like to beat little girls. Men who like to rape them. Saved your sister from some of them.”

This gives Arya pause. Not just because it seems that the Hound helped her sister, but also because just the mention of her sister reminds Arya of her whole family and how much she wants to be reunited with them. Arya and the Hound reach a river, which Arya confuses for the Blackwater near King’s Landing. But it’s really the Red Fork, and Arya learns that it’s not all black or white. She wonders why the Hound isn’t taking her back to the Lannisters.

He spits out, “Fuck Joffrey. Fuck the Queen. I’m taking you to the Twins, because your mother and brother will be there and they’ll pay for you.” So, yay! This means a happy ending, right? Right? I guess the old saying still counts, “if you think there’s going to be a happy ending, you haven’t been paying attention.” Ah. But, I guess, we’ll see.

And so now we’re in Yunkai, where Daenerys, Ser Barristan, and Ser Jorah inspect the camp of the Second Sons, a group of sell-swords who have come to fight against Daenerys. She decides to try to woo her over to her side, but the Captains of the Second Sons, led by Mero, also known as the Titan’s Bastard, is a terrible asshole. Just terrible. There’s lots of jokes about rape. Boring. Awful. After Mero leaves, Dany says, “Ser Barristan, when it comes to battle, kill that one first.” And Ser Barristan is all, “Gladly your grace.” Because, obviously.

However! Mero was not alone when he visited Dany. He had two compatriots with him, including a very handsome man who carries a Dothraki-style sword (hot!), named Daario Noharis. What’s the deal with Daario? It’s not exactly clear yet, although he does seem to like beautiful things. Which, who doesn’t? But Daario really, REALLY likes beautiful things, and he especially likes Daenerys. He likes her so much that, even though Mero and the other guy (whose name doesn’t matter as you’ll soon realize) determine that they ought to kill Dany and that Daario ought to do it, he decides not to kill the lovely Daenerys, but instead to decapitate his buddies and bring Dany their heads. It’s a slick move. One that seems to make Daenerys pretty happy. You can tell because she was in the bath when Daario came in and dropped the heads on the floor and she totally gets out of the bath so that he can see her in all her naked glory. Daario is pretty into it. He tells her, “The Second Sons are yours, and so is Daario Naharis. My sword is yours, my life is yours, my heart is yours.”

Something else tells me another part of him will be hers soon too. And, really, FINALLY. I don’t know how Dany has lasted so long. For a show with an awful lot of sex in it, it’s very disproportionally handed out. Daenerys needs to go and get some. Good for you, Dany. Go get it.

4 Comment

  • What exactly is the point of this? Such bad writing….And if we want to know what happened, wouldn’t we just watch the show?

  • Reading and deciphering this takes longer than actually watching the show. It’s a recap, not re-telling of the episode subjectively or how you saw it.

    Winner: Games of Thrones
    Loser: Kristin Iversen’s recap

  • I would normally agree with the other comments on this board. Or I’d simply stop reading the kind of postings those comments referred to. But with this series – Game of thrones – it’s so densely packed with so many characters that I actually appreciate the depth of the recaps that Kristin Iversen writes.

    I just make sure that I don’t read them before I watch the actual episode.

  • I actually enjoy her style of writing and it is the main reason I read her articles (keep up the good work home girl)! That being said, I completely agree with the other comments in that her articles shouldn’t really be utilized as a recap. I read it because I am a GoT fan and I am always willing to embrace others’ interpretations of the most recent episode.