Sex, Love, and Brooklyn: Cum On My Tits and Other Sex Habits of the Highly Effective Man

05/13/2013 9:30 AM |

Charm, personified.
  • Charm, personified.

The other night I was having coffee with an older writer. He is known for his Don Draper charm, his good looks, and the bachelorhood requisite to this kind of allure. He is also notorious for having been called a “toxic cad” in print by a female writer. He is the kind of man who then put the quote on his website. I’d like to think we are kindred spirits. So when I told him a story about a recent one night stand, I was shocked to hear him say, “Lacy, a friend of mine recently started therapy, and his therapist told him not to have sex with anyone until 15 dates in. I think maybe you should do the same.”

Hold up.

[jump]

15 dates?! My own therapist has told me to slow down before, but I thought that meant keeping my underwear on when I made out with someone on the couch. And, look, I know that part of my fear of witholding sex is that my partner won’t stick around for the whole fifteen dates. I mean, how will I be able to maintain someone’s interest for 15 dates without doing it? Which, if you go out twice a week means you’d be seeing someone for a period of 8 weeks or 2 whole months.

When I expressed my total disbelief in this system, my writer friend responded, “Look at it this way, after 3 or 4 dates you only think you know someone. But after 15 dates you really, really know someone.”

His words startled me, but I wasn’t sure that I totally believed him. On the walk home, I started a counter-argument in my head.

“Yeah,” I thought. “You might know they’re really bad at tipping, or that they hate their mother for cheating on their dad and breaking up the family, or you might find out that they pretend to like pretentious movies like The Decalogue, but all they really want to see is The Big Wedding. After you find all that out though, how do you find out about the other stuff? The important stuff!”

I mean, isn’t sex just another type of conversation? Aren’t the things we find out during sex as importnat as the things we find out through talking to one another? Isn’t the way we treat each other physically just as important as they we treat each other intellectually? I think so. Definitely!

Also, if you like-like someone, shouldn’t you figure out if you’re sexually compatible before you go ahead and fall in love with them, only to eventually realize that you’re both subs and so it’ll never work out? These are important things to factor into this whole wait-two-months-before0having-sex thing.

Later, when I brought this up to the writer, he made the adult argument that although sex might have a lot to do with chemistry, a truly strong and lasting sexual connection depends on having an open dialogue and an open mind. Blah, blah blah.

While I guess he has a point, I’m just not ready to throw in my “stay in bed with me all weekend” towel, so I’m going to avoid this maybe more emotionally mature approach for now. The things is, I still like learning about people through all the hints they give me in the bedroom. But that doesn’t mean I don’t want to learn about the person that I’m sleeping with. I do want to learn! I just want to learn through sex instead of through conversation. So, with this in mind I came up with a list of 5 sex habits that are indicators of who you are outside the bedroom.

4 Comment

  • Love this. And especially love point 4. I used to be all about men going down on me until I realised that for some it’s very wrapped up in this weird egotistical “I want to make you come to prove how manly I am” thing. That pressure to come to turn him on just fucks the whole thing up.

  • Why does a sex positive, self-proclaimed cad tell you to wait!? To weed out fellows such as himself? I’m confused.

  • Anyone who brings a condom tells you they don’t understand how a condom works. If they’re carrying it around all day in their pocket, all that heat and pressure means by go time: it’s going to break.

  • “They think they’ll offend us, or somehow jinx the whole thing.”

    Really? That’s amazing. Things must be very different in America. Or perhaps I’m just (as usual) so out of touch with general etiquette that I make up my own rules as I go along.

    I’ve almost always got a couple on me. And if I was ever challenged about expectations, I’d just claim (falsely) to be a gentleman. And I’d say that a gentleman has no expectations, but plenty of hopes.

    I ripped that off from a film I once saw.