Game of Thrones: Robb and the Red Wedding

06/03/2013 9:30 AM |


  • Aaaahhhhh!!!!!

Are you devastated? I am DEVASTATED. And I knew what was coming but that didn’t make it any easier. Maybe it even made it harder? I don’t know. I know nothing. It’s like I’m Jon Snow, that’s how little I know. Except that, side note, you know who is really like Jon Snow? Michael Douglas. Michael Douglas is like Jon Snow because he got oral cancer because he likes eating pussy so much that it actually gave him cancer. But even though he could have DIED, now he just eats even more pussy. I am now officially completely fascinated by Michael Douglas. Uh, so anyway, sorry for that digression (I’m not at all sorry) and now let’s get on with this episode that I’m absolutely DREADING writing about because then it will make it all real. Or as real as a completely fictional universe can be, which feels pretty fucking real right about now. Aaahhhhhh.


So, here we are in Stark headquarters where lions and wolves face each other on a map of Westeros. Robb is discussing his plans with his mother to attempt to take Casterly Rock, saying that this will be the most painful thing for the Lannisters. Why is Robb even talking to his mother now? His mother the traitor? Well, he ignored her advice not to send Theon to Winterfell and now Winterfell is burnt to the ground and, as far as they know, Bran and Rickon are dead. So, yeah, maybe Robb should have listened to his mother. Are you going to listen to her now? Are you, Robb?

He is! Of course, Catelyn’s advice—given after Robb reminds her that they could die in the “way Father died, or worse”—is: “Show them how it feels to lose what they love.” Which means that Robb and his army are going to Walder Frey’s to ask for reinforcements while accompanying Robb’s uncle Edmure to his wedding. Both Catelyn and Robb seem nervous about this, but think it’s the only way to win Casterly Rock and hurt the Lannisters in the worst possible way. They want revenge. The thing is, of course, that when pure vengeance is your motivator, things don’t always turn out that well.

But maybe this time things will be ok? After all, Walder Frey welcomes everyone into his castle and shares bread and salt with them, which is the Westerosi version of a pinky swear that nothing bad will happen while they’re under the Frey roof. Robb apologizes for breaking his oath to marry a Frey daughter and Frey takes the time to introduce all of his many daughters and granddaughters, all of whom are…well, Amanda Bynes would definitely call them ugly. Amanda Bynes calls everyone ugly though, so that’s not saying much. I’ll just say that none of the Frey girls can hold a candle to Talisa. Walder Frey notices this too and insults both Robb and Talisa saying that Robb married not “for love, but for firm tits and a tight fit.” Walder Frey is an asshole.

Over in Yunkai, Daario is helping to plan an attack on the walled city. Daario thinks that he will have no problem sneaking into the city and winning the Yunkish slaves over to Dany’s side. Jorah is skeptical and beseeches Dany not to trust Daario. After all, he double-crossed the men he used to be associated with, why wouldn’t he do the same to Dany. I mean, I’m just guessing here, but maybe it’s because Daenerys is beautiful and has dragons and Daario wants to sleep with her, just like Jorah does? Maybe? Anyway, Daario says to Jorah, “You have a very suspicious mind. In my experience only dishonest people think this way.” Dany asks what Grey Worm thinks and because he trusts him, Daario’s plan goes into effect.

So, we also have a quick visit with Sam and Gilly, which means a little exposition. Sam knows where there is a secret gate through the wall. Gilly doesn’t understand how he knows everything and the answer is because he can read! Gilly thinks this makes him like a wizard. But that’s because poor Gilly is inbred and stupid. And that’s all with Sam and Gilly and the little mouth-breathing baby she totes around.

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