Song of Myself: or 10 Great Moments of Masturbation in Literature

08/02/2013 10:42 AM |

Who will protect us from masturbation if not our mothers?
  • Who will protect us from masturbation if not our mothers?

This week in censorship news, Sherman Alexie’s award-winning young adult novel, The Absolutely True Story of a Part-Time Indian, has been removed from the reading list for incoming 6th-graders at PS/MS 114 in Rockaway Park because a concerned parent, Kelly-Anne McMullan-Preiss does not think it’s “appropriate” for her 11-year-old child to read about masturbation. Which, ha. Ok. Cool that you think your 11-year-old can’t handle learning about something that is a pretty universal part of the human experience, Kelly-Anne, but to diminish this book as being just about self-pleasure, simply because it contains sentences like, “And if God hadn’t wanted us to masturbate, then God wouldn’t have given us thumbs. So I thank God for my thumbs,” is reductive and, well, dumb. So, in protest of this pointless book ban (I mean, seriously, these kids are going to learn about masturbating one way or another), I thought we should all take the time to celebrate some great moments of masturbation in literature. And, then, you know. Go celebrate masturbation in your own way. Be creative. Just don’t think of Kelly-Anne McMullan-Preiss when you’re doing it, because that would just ruin everything.

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