The two biggest relationships of my life both lasted for around 3 years, and also had in common the fact that they were mainly conducted long distance. Now, I’m not an idiot—I know that “coincidence” is worthy of some analysis. I’m self-aware enough to know that it probably has something to do with moving a lot as a child, and going to boarding school. I was raised long distance by my folks, so duh, of course, I would default to a long distance romantic love as well.
Despite the fact that I was used to love from a distance, both these relationships were hard, and ultimately the fact that there was never a plan to live in the same city contributed in a major way to the break ups. But, despite the fact that these relationships didn’t work out, there is one big silver lining to loving someone who is very far away: dirty talk.
I love talking dirty and I love hearing dirty talk even more. In fact, I need it to feel connected to my partner. It’s something that keeps me engaged as much as it is something that keeps me aroused. No one wants to admit this because we’re all so conditioned to say things like, “Sex feels so great and there’s nothing else I’m thinking of except being in the moment.” But sex is actually a lot of mental work, and anything can take me out of the moment: the way the bed is creaking, wondering about if I successfully plucked my nipple hair, hell, even if the temperature changes! But when someone is demanding my attention by talking to me, then I have to be focused. And I have to be even more present if I’m the one who’s doing the performing.
I have my long distance relationships to thank for this realization. Say what you will about how problematic LDRs can be, at least they force you to communicate—and not just about sex. If all you have is conversation, then you can’t make a lot of the assumptions that you would when you’re face-to-face. Reading non-verbal social clues are hard, and often misleading, and yet we do it anyway. When you’re on the phone, you can’t focus on anything except what the person you’re talking to is saying, and both of you are forced to say what you want from sex, life, and each other.
I think it would be great if, after meeting someone and hitting it off, you weren’t allowed to see each other for the next 3 dates, and you could only talk on the phone. I know it sounds like I’m putting up arbitrary boundaries, but it’s for a good reason! And really there’s nothing more intimate than the sound of someone else’s voice. Think about it, when was the last time you got a phone call from someone you liked? Don’t you kind of miss it? In fact, can we all just make a pact that the next time we go on a first date, we’re not going to text after, but instead leave a sexy message?
I digress. Back to dirty talk! Dirty talk flips my switch for two reasons. The first time I heard my boyfriend say the word cock, a jolt went through me. It added a whole new level to how I felt about him. Look, of course, I find it super exciting to see someone without their clothes on, especially when I’ve been fantasizing and wondering what they look like underneath that plaid wool shirt. But when the guy in the button-up who asked me about what my family is like turns out to be the same guy who says he “wants to bury his face in my pussy”? Well, for me there’s nothing better. I love it when people are weird, and I love it when they can express their weirdness with a filthy mouth.
My second reason is that I honestly want to know what turns someone on, what they expect from sex, and what they fantasize about. There’s already so much murky wandering around in the dark when I’m getting to know someone, so I love it when a guy can just tell me how he wants to fuck.
But even though I love sexy chit chat, I know it stresses a lot of people out. They think it’s cheesy, or that it feels like porn, or maybe that if someone ever said that to them they would start to laugh. I get that, I do. But I also have a few tricks up my sleeve for making dirty talk sincere and productive.
Most people tell me they don’t know what to say, and so when they’re asked to perform, their mind goes blank. Here’s how to remedy this: simply state exactly what you are doing, or what it is that you plan on doing. For instance, if you say, “I want to suck your dick,” then you give them a blow job. Pretty simple, right? You can also make it more specific, “I want to feel your dick inside my mouth.” Dirty talk is not poetry. You do not need an MFA to do this. You’re already there feeling each other up, just verbalize exactly what it is that’s happening.
I also love hearing about what people fantasize about. We all get off imagining fucking the people we’re dating, and so I want to know what that particular fantasy looks like for the person I’m with, and what role they see me playing. Again, you don’t have to get elaborate, because let’s face it, sometimes it’s the small, basic things that inspire. Recently when I was in bed with someone, he asked what I thought about when I was masturbating. I answered honestly, and told him that I thought about the time we were going to town and he grabbed my hair really hard, and then bit my neck. This wasn’t some type of hard core move or anything, just basic rough housing, but it was a detail that stuck with me.
Ultimately, I love dirty talk because it helps my sex life, the same way any type of communication helps out all the parts of our lives. Like with most things in life, the more honest and specific you are, the better it is for everyone. But it’s a lot more fun to be honest when the end result is an orgasm.
Follow Lacy Warner on twitter @laceoface