Sex with the Natural Redhead: Building a Better Booty Call

01/14/2015 8:55 AM |

sex1

Dear Audrey,

I’m a woman in my early forties who just got out of a long and, at the end, sexless marriage. I haven’t dated in almost twenty years, so I’m a little rusty. When my husband and I were first splitting up, I went pretty wild and slept with a bunch of men. There was one guy in particular I found a connection with (sexually), and we seem to have progressed into a kind of frequent hookup relationship. He’s significantly younger than me, and very hot, and it’s very fun to have him as a booty call. When we first started hooking up, he told me constantly that he “doesn’t do relationships.” Fine, I don’t want a relationship. I’m focused on a million other things right now.

The last thing I want is to get back into something serious (and if I did want that, this guy wouldn’t be the guy). However, to me there’s a difference between “having a relationship” and “being polite.” I’ve had him contact me to come over and found the apartment a pig sty, with used condoms on the bedside and once a wet spot in the bed that wasn’t mine. He’ll ignore my texts (all I’m asking for is a “not tonight”) and then get bratty when I ignore his. He’ll say he’s coming over at 1 am and then show up at 4:30 am too drunk to fuck. Whenever I confront him about any of this, he reiterates that he doesn’t “do relationships.” Am I out of touch with the reality of dating right now? Are my expectations for a hookup too high? I’ve been out of the mix so long I doubt my own judgment and I’m having fun with him otherwise.

 

Sadly, the “reality of dating right now” vs. “what any self-respecting human has the right to demand from another human” are not necessarily in line. Although I think you can drop the “right now”—surely for as long as people have been people, there have been dirtbags doing the absolute minimum they can get away with to still get laid. I’m not sure it’s any better or worse than it’s ever been. This guy sounds like a real disgusting asshole, and it’s hard to imagine that the dick is worth the hassle.

You have to stop fucking this guy, I think. There are other hot fish in the sea. You sound like you’re doing very well for yourself, hookup-wise. It’s time to shop around for a booty call upgrade.

And the “I don’t do relationships” thing? That has always puzzled me. It’s like some people think if they refuse to name something, it doesn’t exist. Having sex one time with someone, that is a relationship. You have a relationship with the deli guy who recognizes you. Human interaction is a series of relationships, of various kinds. 

Hey genius, if you’re having sex with someone over and over again, YOU ARE IN A RELATIONSHIP WITH THAT PERSON. It’s not a monogamous relationship, but that doesn’t change reality or what words mean. I think if we could all chill with the idea that someone is going to “trap” you into monogamy, we’d all be nicer to our No Strings Attached sexual partners. Being kind and polite is not putting a ring on it, guys. Just because you don’t “owe” your partner anything doesn’t mean you shouldn’t treat them like a human being. Anyway. I think you can do better.