I’m a straight guy in my early 20s. I’ve been having sex pretty regularly since I was 16, and I thought I had things figured out. Until last week. I was at party and a few girls I had sex with were there—one was an ex, though from college, the other someone I had a kind of friends-with-benefits setup with for a little while. We’re all friends, or so I thought; neither of the relationships ended badly. They were both super-duper drunk and started making fun of me for being bad in bed. I think I was pretty obviously hurt because they both stopped and apologized, and the next day the ex-girlfriend texted to apologize again, saying they were drunk and just kidding around, etc. I’m not sure I believe them; they both seemed to be telling the truth in moment, and I can’t stop thinking about it. I don’t want to be bad in bed! They didn’t say any specifics, really, so I don’t know how to diagnose and fix the problem. I’ve read all the basic advice like communication and stuff, and like I said I thought I was pretty good! Most of the women I am with usually have an orgasm. Could they all be faking? My confidence is shaken and I’m not sure what to do here.
Wow, that really sucks. What an assy thing to do. How could your confidence NOT be shaken? Unless you do like that one chick did and get hard data by sending a survey to all of your past partners, there’s no way to not feel like you’re a sex dud. And the fastest way to become a sex dud is to feel like a sex dud. I know some people think low self-esteem partners are better in bed because they work harder to compensate. Over-confidence can lead to bad sex too, but someone who is too hesitant or overthinking everything is not going to do a great job. Plus there’s basically no way that they are enjoying it either, which is another way to be terrible in bed.
Ha ha, now I’m making you overthink it even more! Sorry. Here’s what you do. Next time you’re with someone, do all of your best sex practices like communicate and reciprocate and all that good stuff. But most importantly, pay attention to her reactions to things and her body language. Is she stiff or relaxed? Is she smiling or fake-smile-grimacing? Are you good at reading people in general? Apply this skill to sex. While verbal communication is super critical, especially from a consent perspective, I think the number one good sex skill is reading people’s body language and responding appropriately.
And another thing to consider: Sometimes people just don’t have chemistry together. That doesn’t mean either of them is bad at sex. It just means whatever human attraction chemicals mix together to make sex hot just aren’t a good match. Both of these women are exes, and neither one was a very serious relationship, right? So it’s possible that while you weren’t great in bed for them, it has nothing to do with your skill level and everything to do with your specific compatibility.
You just have to let that go, man! Not everybody is a good match for everybody, and that’s what makes it exciting when you find someone who is a good sex match. I believe in you!