The Technology Issue

THE L’S BEST! (AND WORST) OF NYC

Brooke Ismach As freedom-loving lovers of democracy and voting and stuff, we thought we’d try it out ourselves. We didn’t quite have the budget for nation building (hey, who does?) so we set up the inaugural L Magazine Best of New York City Readers’ Poll. That’s right, a poll for the people by the people, kind of about the people — needless to say, democracy is an ugly business. Oh yeah, one more thing: Mission Accomplished! The People New Yorker Closest to Sainthood: Reverend Billy You seemed to like this downtown, countercultural mainstay; bizarrely, you also seemed to like Mariah Carey. Our favorite response: “The two women who escorted me off the train today when I almost passed out.” New Yorker Closest to Hell: Michael Bloomberg Hands down, without a doubt, it’s old Mikey. All the usual suspects showed up here: Paris, Rudy, The Donald, Ratner, and even Robert Moses (who’s already down there). Most Desirable Woman: La Hillary Clinton Wow, overwhelmingly. We didn’t think power was that sexy. Sweetest response: “Jenny.” Awww. Most Desirable Man: Elvis Costello WTF!? This is why we love our readers. Or at least that one Elvis-obsessed reader. Most Irritating Personality: A tie: Hipsters, Michael Musto The snide, ironic commentary pretty much writes itself. Most confusing response: “Fakeness.” Sexiest Newscaster: Man: Matt Lauer Woman: Kaity Tong We offered to buy these two a luxury night on the town. Interestingly, only one of them declined… Can you guess who? Best Drag Performer: Peppermint Gummybear In a candy-coated landslide. Surprise contender: Donald Trump (gee, you people are funny). Worst Drag Performer: Sherry Vine Oddly enough, the voting here was disturbingly similar to the category above; except for the very strong showing from Al Sharpton. Best Graffiti Artist: Neckface Yeah, no kidding. Nearly tripled the number of votes for “The guy who tagged my building.” Evidently this category could also have been called, Name a Graffiti Artist. Most Overexposed Celebrity: Paris Hilton This one felt like a Byelorussian presidential election. The woman received nearly 96 percent of the vote, decimating the runners-up Olsen twins. Best Reclusive NYC Celebrity: Woody Allen When you think about it, he’s not really that reclusive… But we guess that’s democracy. Strangest response: Ed Koch. Ed Koch! Most Missed New Yorker: JFK Jr. Going through this one made us sad, like those Oscar death montages. Here are some more votes (cue music): Arthur Miller, Susan Sontag, Joe DiMaggio, Biggie Smalls, John Lennon, Frank Sinatra, Joey Ramone. Sigh. The Places Best Park Tompkins Square Which also recently made the “top-five dog runs” list in Dog Run Illustrated (or DogWorld or Transworld Dog or Dogger or something.) We feel kind of warm and downtown proud that you didn’t pick Central Park. Fanciest Bathroom Experience Waldorf Astoria, 301 Park Ave The voting in this category seemed to have two themes: 1) The actual fixtures and atmosphere, and 2) The quality of the extracurricular activities. If you know what we mean... Filthiest Bathrooms Rothko, 116 Suffolk St. A hotly contended race, with standards Port Authority and the Hole narrowly missing out on the top prize. Best People-Watching Spot The Union Square Steps But are the people watching you? Probably not. Best Non-Bar Pickup Spot Whole Foods, 4 Union Square South Is this arugula or kale? Are those real? Best response: “Times Square... just look for anyone staring up at the buildings.” And what? Surreptiously molest them? Best Place for Napping Central Park Finally, a win for the big C.P. Other notable contenders: my desk, under my office desk, work, my office chair. Worst response: my bed. Best Tourist Thing To Do Even If You’re Not A Tourist Walking across the Brooklyn Bridge Even when you were given express license to assume the mindset of a tourist, you had to be cool and not say things like “Times Square” or “go to the top of the Empire State Building.” Which is why we like you. Best Tree-Lined Block Jane Street See Jane grow leafy. See Jane change color. See Jane and wish you had a much better job. Best Street Fair San Gennaro Yeah, no shit. It is pretty fun isn’t it? Best response from a belligerent drunk: “None! They’re all nasty, except maybe the one where they sell Guinness… some Irish festival…” By the way, thanks for all the swell press releases! Best Summer Day Trip Coney Island Followed at a close second by Central Park. You guys are soooo Downtown. Best Building The Chrysler Building One of our staffers is literally in love with the beautiful, shining Chrysler. He talks about it all the time and when someone finally asked, “Well why don’t you marry it?”, his eyes just glazed over with quiet longing. It was pretty freaky. Best Place to Have Public Sex At the Beach Sure, we were going for more specific advice on this one, but we understand. Best response: In that new CK billboard in Times Square. The Food Best 24-Hour Eats Veselka, 144 Second Ave. There is nothing better on a fiercely hot New York night, when the humidity has it feeling like 120 degrees, than a big steaming plate of cheese and potato pierogis. Kudos to Café L’Express for taking the non-diner, 24-hour crown. Best Diner Waverly Restaurant 385 Sixth Ave Yeah, it is kind of classic. Excellent choice. Best Brunch Country Café, Soho 69 Thompson St. Best Indian Anywhere on 6th St. Ok, we’re very disappointed with you for this one. So we’re no longer speaking to you, at least for the remainder of this blurb. Best Italian Aurora, Williamsburg 70 Grand St., Bklyn Best Middle-Eastern Bamiyan, 358 Third Ave. Wow, is Afghanistan technically in the Middle East? Yeah? Ok. Best Thai Spice Market, 403 W 13th St. You guys may be a little too fancy for our blood. Best Vietnamese Vietnam Restaurant, 369 Broome St. We thought this place was a bit more of a secret… Clearly we’re shut ins. Best Burger Shake Shack We get the feeling sometimes that this newish outdoor stand in Madison Square is like the shiny new character that turns up on teen dramas to initial adoration — and then turns out to be a psychopath. Not sure how an outdoor snack stand can be a psychopath though… Best Fries Pomme Frites, 123 Second Ave. Because, you know, that’s what their name means in French. And guess what? That shifty Shake Shack almost won this one too. Best Pizza Grimaldi’s, 19 Old Fulton St, Bklyn Also happens to be an office favorite. Most disappointing answer: Pizza Hut. Oh man. Best Steak Peter Luger, 178 Broadway, Bklyn The Harlem Globetrotters of steak polls.       Stef Weiss Best Vegetarian Counter, 105 First Ave. It’s slick and modern and doesn’t feel like you’re in an earnestly vegetarian restaurant. Which is good. Also across from McDonald’s, if you get hungry. Best Restaurant to Take Your Parents Peter Luger, 178 Broadway, Bklyn The old Best Steak/Where to Take Your Parents double up. Way to go, Pete. The Nightlife Hottest Bartender: Chelsea: Mr. Bruno XL , 357 W 16th St. East Village: Mr Antonio The Cock, 29 Second Ave LES: Mr. Divine Pyramid, 101 Ave A Meatpacking: Mr. Toto Hell, 59 Gansevoort St. West Village: Mr. Sanchez Monster, 80 Grove St. There is absolutely nothing wrong with a little ballot stuffing, especially if the stuffer is polite and uses honorifics. Best Sleazy Dive The Turkey’s Nest (Williamsburg), 94 Bedford Ave, Bklyn Did you know that the term “dive” comes from “diving bell” which was applied to early basement saloons that you had to walk down stairs to get to? It’s true. And it’s also true that the Turkey’s Nest is indeed a sleazy dive. For those of you who said Lit, we have nothing but scorn for your perception of the world. Best Happy Hour Verlaine, 110 Rivington St. Oh how wise you are gentle readers. Honestly, any happy hour that runs until 10 pm is truly happy. Well buy you a drink. Best Jukebox Library Bar, 7 Ave A Seriously bitchin. They also have a great card catalogue, some pretty foxy librarians and a rockin’ mimeograph machine. Get it? LOL! Most Depressing Bar Last Exit, 136 Atlantic Ave, Bklyn Tacked onto the end of Atlantic Avenue (as it prepares to drown itself in the East River) this spot isn’t nearly as depressing as the Hubert Selby Jr. novel it’s named for, but we can understand why some people might find it a drag. Best Dance Party Lotus Sundays, 409 W 14th St. Every year, the number of “my house” votes seems to increase. One day, it just might win. Best-Looking Clientele Beauty Bar, 231 E 14th St. Wow, who knew a simple name had so much power. And for the doofus who voted for Coyote Ugly, we said clientele, not staff; and we said best looking. Best Live Venue Bowery Ballroom 6 Delancey St. Totally kicked all the other venues’ asses. Have you ever actually watched a venue beat the shit of another venue? It’s awesome. Best Gay Bar Boysroom, 9 Ave A A relative newcomer to the East Village gay scene, this place is always filled with good, sleazy fun and plenty of go-go boys. Worst Gay Bar Duvet on Thursdays 45 W 21 St. Our readers know that if you want to drink liquor in bed, it’s no better on satin sheets in Flatiron than in your airless East Village studio. Best Lesbian Party Night Barracuda, 275 W 22nd St. We bet that after hours, when the staff is cleaning up, they play that Heart song and rock out. Best Gay Bar to Take Your Straight Friends Bar 11, 152 Orchard St. Upstairs dancing, downstairs dancing. Boys and girls and Sophia Lamar. Not sure if this is a gay bar or not, but seems to fit the category nonetheless. Best Comedy/Improv Troupe Upright Citizens Brigade, 307 W 26th St. It’s like Saturday Night Live, only with jokes. And laughter.       Micheal Kravit Best Burlesque Act Julie Atlas Muz You sure are an arty bunch of mothers aren’t you? Best After Hours Tie: Pink Elephant, 73 Eighth Ave, Casbah Rouge, 2841 Broadway Is there a name thing going here? Because you know rouge is French for red, and red is pretty close to pink… Best Bar You Can Still Smoke In Karma, 51 First Ave. Ah ha! One of the very few hookah bars in the city. You hippie motherfuckers. Best Outdoor Patio Bohemia Beer Garden, 29-19 24th Ave, Astoria Is a garden a patio? It is when a gazillion people vote for it. Best Trivia Night Pete’s Candy Store, 709 Lorimer St, Bklyn Because it’s so much fun being surrounded by people who are so much smarter than you are, and who enjoy taking every opportunity to make sure you know it. Best Karaoke Night Arlene’s Grocery 96 Stanton St. You kids love that live rock ‘n’ roll karaoke. Honorable mention: Aireoke, air guitar wackiness at Trash. For Locals Only Best Train Station Union Square Frankly, we’re not sure why. And we don’t think you are either. Worst Train Station Canal St. Because it’s sooo different from Union Square, right? Best Train The L You love us! You really love us! (And the train with the similar sounding name to us.) Worst Train The F Because F stands for failure. Best NYC Blog Website Gothamist Take that Gawker. (Please don’t be mean to us again.) Biggest NYC Myth New Yorkers are mean There were a lot of different answers for this, most of which were of the self-hating variety, e.g: NYC is cool. The weirdest answer: Being from New York will get you laid in your smallish, Midwestern hometown (as far as we’re concerned, that’s no myth). Best Parade Yankees Been a while hasn’t it? Worst Parade A dead heat between the Puerto Rican Day and St. Patrick’s Because evidently you’re all a bunch of early 19th-century xenophobic demagogues. Most Important Local Issue Development of the Brooklyn Rail Yards Best Kept Secret We’re Not Telling. Because you might not be from New York. Print | E-mail this article | Submit a Letter to the Editor