As we go to press, the Presidential Election has yet to be decided. Of course, November 5th will reveal the man charged with leading this country through a deeply troubled historical moment, but it won’t show us who’s going to be helping him. With that in mind, we’ve put together a series of possible cabinets for Senators McCain and Obama — some serious, some not so much (the sad thing is, this is what we do for fun sitting around in the bar). The Heroically Bipartisan Cabinet is a look at the kind of people who might be chosen if the president is interested in crossing the partisan gap; The Cabinet He Really Wants is just that, our speculation on who the candidates see as trusted experts they’d be comfortable working with; and The Krazy Kelebrity Kabinet is what America might really deserve at this point. Please don’t show us this feature in six months time.
THE THREE CABINETS OF PRESIDENT MCCAIN...
The Heroically Bipartisan Cabinet Secretary of State: John Kerry
“As my resumé indicates, I speak French and have traveled extensively through Southeast Asia.” Hey John! Why the long face? Hahahaha.
Secretary of Defense: William Cohen
Well, Cohen was in McCain’s wedding party, and the two used to enjoy bar-hopping back in the day. Even though he’s a Republican, Cohen served under Clinton and is the kind of centrist who would appeal to both sides of the aisle.
Secretary of the Treasury: Warren Buffet
Everybody wants a piece of the Buffman, even the Natural Law Party.
Attorney General: John Edwards
Still less politically poisonous than any of the waterboard-justifying, investigation-blocking, patronage-abusing, wiretapping executive branch cabalists who’ve spent the last eight years making a sick joke of the American legal profession for the sake of the GOP.
Homeland Security: Jim Webb
This is less a reach across the aisle than around it: Mac gets Maverick Points for picking a Dem and strokes the base with an old Reaganite military man. And Jim Webb gets to boss people around righteously some more, while polishing his national profile as a Tough Talker who Transcends Party Politics to Cut Through the Bullshit and Get Stuff Done, sir yes sir.
Czar of the Russian Empire: Nicholas II
It’s a little known fact that the last of the Russian czars actually spent a semester abroad studying at the Annapolis Naval Academy, where he boarded with, you guessed it, young maverick Johnny McCain. Despite the fact “Nickski” has been dead for nearly a century, his reanimated corpse should fit right in.
Secretary of Senior Affairs: Robert Byrd
The man is over 90 years old. He has the interests of seniors at heart. He also makes John McCain look like Zac Efron, or whomever the kids are into these days.
The Cabinet He Actually Wants (and just might get)
Secretary of State: Joe Lieberman
“j dog, sup. u can b my sec state. omg, rite? lolz. fuk teh demz rite?”
SENT FROM JOHN MCCAIN’S BLACKBERRY
Secretary of Defense: Lindsey Graham
“lindz, good O is good D, rite? brng it on. go timz!!1!”
SENT FROM JOHN MCCAIN’S BLACKBERRY
Secretary of the Treasury: Phil Gramm
“mo moniez mo problemz. lol! oh rly? yah rly.
SENT FROM JOHN MCCAIN’S BLACKBERRY
Chief of Staff: Joe Lieberman
“j dog. dunno what tis job iz. u want? y not rite?”
SENT FROM JOHN MCCAIN’S BLACKBERRY
Attorney General: Lindsey Graham
“go directly to jail. haha lol, u shud say taht to bitchiez n shit. ha. omg.”
SENT FROM JOHN MCCAIN’S BLACKBERRY
Homeland Security: Joe Lieberman
“j dog, kno yr bizzy, but u can protectz borderz 2?”
SENT FROM JOHN MCCAIN’S BLACKBERRY
Czar of the Environment: Lindsey Graham
“drill babee drill. teehee. that soundz lik teh sex! lol.”
SENT FROM JOHN MCCAIN’S BLACKBERRY
Secretary of Eliminating Earmarks: Mike Huckabee
“lindz, j dog, it wud be lol to hear teh hux say “pork barrel.” omg he is so fat.’
SENT FROM JOHN MCCAIN’S BLACKBERRY
Supreme Court:
“i can haz contstructionalist interpretationz?”
SENT FROM JOHN MCCAIN’S BLACKBERRY
The Krazy Kelebrity Kabinet
Secretary of State: Clint Eastwood
The only real problem with “cowboy diplomacy” is that they never really tried it using real cowboys.
Secretary of Defense: Arnold Schwarzenegger
If he can handle a fully militarized Martian resistance movement, he can handle an insurgent Waziristan. Also, he can travel through time and kill Osama Bin Laden back when Terrorist Enemy Number One shopped at Harrod’s.
Secretary of the Treasury: Jim Cramer
He’s the guy who yells at you from the TV about stocks and stuff. He said “buy, buy, buy!” right up until the end. But then he apologized. Contrition is an important quality in a Treasury Secretary.
Attorney General: Fred Thompson
He has scared the crap out of some of TV’s scariest criminals. And that “dun dun” noise from Law and Order would work really well in Washington.
Homeland Security: Jon Voight
He’s seen what this nation is made of with his forays into hillbilly rape and big city gay sex, and he knows how to defend it. Dude’s so conservative he makes Rick Santorum look like Amiri Baraka.
Secretary of Plumbing: Joe the Plumber
Though not technically qualified to plumb in the capital (you need a license in D.C.), if you have any problems with your taxes he’ll flatten them out.
Secretary of Getting Dudes Fired: Todd Palin
“I really think you should fire X.” Two days later: “Have you fired X yet? Ok, you’re gonna have to fire X.” A week later: “I see that you haven’t fired X yet. So now you’re the one who is fired.” A month later: “You’re all fired.” Three months later: “I’m fired! I fired myself!”
THE THREE CABINETS OF PRESIDENT OBAMA...
The Heroically Bipartisan Cabinet
Secretary of State: Chuck Hagel
This Vietnam vet and self-made Nebraskan millionaire has played a prominent role on the Foreign Relations committee over the last eight tumultuous years and has had no problem standing up to his own party, demonstrating the kind of independence Obama seems to like.
Secretary of Defense: Robert Gates
For a man charged with the unenviable task of cleaning up Don “Known Unknowns” Rumsfeld’s mess, Gates has done a quietly efficient job, staying clear of politics and managing the expectations game. Has the kind of measured temperament that appeals to Obama.
Secretary of Treasury: Warren Buffet
His soft-rock hit ‘Margaritaville’ is beloved by both chicks and dudes. He’s also the richest man ever, so he must know some stuff.
Attorney General: James Comey
The only Bush administration lawyer with a shred of credibility or honor left to his name, mostly for going public with the hilarious story of that time Alberto Gonzales press-ganged hospitalized then-Attorney General John Ashcroft into renewing Bush’s warantless wiretapping program.
Homeland Security: Sam Nunn
It’s oft speculated this cantankerous Georgian left politics at the end of the Clinton administration because of all the damn northeastern liberals infecting the Democratic Party. He has all kinds of experience and pals around with Republicans.
Secretary of the interi-ator: Arnold Schwarzenegger
He cleaned up the trash in Terminator II, took out the garbage in Kindergarten Cop, wiped the floor with scum in Conan the Barbarian, and, uhh, actually developed sound environmental policy in California.
Secretary of Veterans Affairs: Susan Collins
The junior senator from Maine is one of two Republican women senators in a blue state with a blue House delegation and a Democratic governor and state legislature, and is currently cruising to reelection against six-term Democratic Congressman Tom Allen. So if Obama is really serious about creeping towards that filibuster-proof 60-seat Senate, why not “reach across the aisle” to appoint a Republican senator to his cabinet, coincidentally opening up her seat to a special appointment of the most logical choice, six-term Congressman Tom Allen? See how that worked?
The Cabinet He Actually Wants (and just might get)
Secretary of State: Richard Holbrooke
It was his turn after Madeleine Albright’s, and his experience negotiating Balkan peace agreements is in line with Obama’s multilateral outlook. Yeah, Holbrooke is Team Clinton — but most of Obama’s trusted foreign policy advisors are content to stay in the private or academic sector and talk shop with him in their spare time.
Secretary of Defense: Anthony Zinni
Not only can this retired four-star Marine general whup you in the alley, he’s got a lot of fancy book-learnin’! Heck, he even wrote a book himself! (It’s called Battle for Peace, so he’s got a sensitive side.) He’s been shot at and he’s taught college courses. Perfect.
Secretary of Treasury: Bob Rubin
Remember when it was the end of history and everybody was rich and the United States had billions of dollars of surplus? Robert Rubin was the Secretary of the Treasury back then. So that, more of that, please.
Chief of Staff: Tom Daschle
It might seem like a step down for the former Senate Majority leader, but Daschle was one of Obama’s early mentors in the Senate, serving as a central advisor to the young Jedi and is, officially, one of the co-chairs of the national campaign.
Attorney General: Patrick Fitzgerald
This Brooklyn-born working class Mick came to national prominence in his prosecution of the Plamegate culprits, but he also has extensive experience prosecuting national security cases. And, you know, there’s the whole Illinois connection.
Homeland Security: Bill Richardson
This gaffe-prone public speaker and directionless campaigner continues to be a big deal in Democratic circles for some reason — is it because he’s actually like a capable administrator or something? This prestige-heavy but vague post seems an appropriate reward for a primary-season endorsement that seemed like a big deal at the time.
Czar of the Environment: Al Gore
This is kind of a no-brainer, really. If environmental policy is going to be a big part of Obama’s administration, then the Green Giant needs to get onboard.
Secretary of Public Works: Kathleen Sebelius
In an intriguing nod to the New Deal, Obama has called for massive investment in infrastructure improvement, with an eye to energy efficiency and green jobs. In a perfect world, Sebelius would’ve been Obama’s running mate. It is not a perfect world.
Supreme Court Nominees: Cass Sunstein, Martha Nussbaum
These two Big Thinkers are prominent legal scholars Obama knows from the University of Chicago, where he used to teach. Sunstein (now at Harvard) has advised Obama on some matters related to behavioral economics and other pop-egghead stuff. Also, Sunstein and Nussbaum dated for many years, so this really needs to happen.
The Krazy Kelebrity Kabinet
Secretary of State: George Clooney
Essentially the same role he played in the Ocean’s movies, Mr. Tall, Dark and Handsome would just travel around the world being attractive and likeable.
Secretary of Defense: Matt Damon
“Hey Putin, how do you like them apples?” Also, “It’s go time.”
Secretary of the Treasury: Paul Krugman
This would be kind of a demotion for the recently Nobel-winning Princeton trade expert and fiercely partisan Times columnist, actually, but we would love to see the look on Tom Friedman’s face.
Attorney General: Keifer Sutherland
Well, “What Would Jack Bauer Do?” has dictated America’s torture policy for the last eight years anyway, why not make it official?
Homeland Security: Tim Robbins
With his extensive knowledge of northeastern pond hockey and above-average height, Mr. Robbins would do a fine job “defending the homeland,” whatever that really means. Also, Susan Sarandon could totally help him out.
Czar of Global Philanthropy: Bono
It wouldn’t really entail doing anything different than he usually does now, except maybe he’d do more of it, thus fewer U2 albums. One more feather for the Times Op-Ed page.
Secretary of Adoption: Angela Jolie
A car in every garage, a chicken in every pot and a Third World baby for every spiritually empty, multimillionaire celebrity.
