This is the kind of story that usually goes down in Brooklyn.
And then we all have to collectively laugh and say funny things about it, while we secretly stuff our shame deep inside, in the place where we store other pieces of embarrassing Brooklyn-related trivia.
But not this time!
Not this time.
No, this time, we just get to laugh and cringe in a pure and beautiful way while reading the Wall Street Journal's profile on the new store in the East Village that sells tap water.
Molecule, as this pioneering venture is called, is a new store owned and operated by "Alexander Venet, a local art dealer and restaurant owner, and Mr. Ruhf, a former world champion boomerang player, musician and self-described social-justice activist."
Former world champion boomerang player.
I just wanted to make sure that caught everyone's attention.
Ruhf and Venet have bought themselves a fancy, $25,000 water filtration system that employs ultra-violet rays, ozone treatments, and reverse osmosis in order to make standard NYC tap water into something that Ruhf says tastes "smooth" and "fluffy."
Can your Brita make tap water taste "fluffy?"
I didn't think so.
Mine certainly can't.
But, that's not actually a problem for me.
And I'm not even going to address the issue of whether or not NYC tap water is healthy.
We all know this.
That's why at restaurants, when the waiters ask if you want "tap, bottled, or sparkling?" You say tap!
Unless you're feeling like some bubbles, but that's entirely different.
What kind of asshole asks for bottled?
Anyway, at first, I was delighted that Molecule is not a Brooklyn venture, but then I kept reading the WSJ's article and came upon the part where Ruhf said that they would be having "a weekly naming ceremony to imbue its water with personality and Sunday blessings involving religious figures from all faiths, including Tibetan monks and pagan worshipers."
And then I was like, what the fuck, Manhattan?
Stop trying to steal Brooklyn's identity as a place of artisanal goods and pretentious ideas!
Leave Brooklyn alone!