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When the actual Olympics talk about freestyle-swimming, they are talking about an actual stroke or event or something?
I don't know. I kind of—totally—only pay attention to Ryan Lochte.
And not necessarily when he's swimming.
Here, in BK, our swimming competition is a little different.
It involves feats of "swimming" prowess like doing as many back-flips as possible before getting a lifeguard to blow his whistle at you.
It involves swimming one full-length of the pool while dodging poop floaters.
It involves NOT getting into any fights with lifeguards or 13-year-old girls because that would lead to instant disqualification and also the lifelong contempt of your fellow Brooklynites.
Seriously, behave yourselves in the pool.
We're trying to have nice things here.