Wednesday, November 21, 2012
How to Ride the Goddamn Subway
Posted by Henry Stewart on Wed, Nov 21, 2012 at 9:00 AM
After yesterday's instructional on how to ride a fucking escalator was so popular, I figured I would explain to all of you how you're riding the subway wrong. And I'm not even talking about you clipping your fingernails. DON'T GET ME STARTED ON YOU CLIPPING YOUR FINGERNAILS. [photo]
1. Don't Crowd Around Both Sides of the Doors
Look, I get it, I'm losing my mind. Pathologically, I spend half of my day trying to figure out the most efficient ways to do everything I'm doing so other people aren't inconvenienced. For boarding the subway, I came up with this easy one: let's all stand to one side of the car doors—the side not on the way to the station exit—when waiting to get on, so the people getting out don't have to pass through a narrow gauntlet. They would get off so. Much. Quicker. (I'm looking at you, everyone who tries to get on the Bay Ridge-bound R at Ninth Street in the evening.) But then of course you might not be able to be the first person who gets on the train.
2. We're All Gonna Get On the Train
And you know what? If we don't there's another train right behind this one. Nothing you're doing is important. [photo]
3. You Can't Have the Doors
You ever see those people who push to be the first people into the car and then stop right when they do? If you really want to stand against the door (and, c'mon, we all do), then you have to be the last person into the car. Otherwise, move in, goddammit! [photo]
4. Move In, Goddammit
I don't care if that's your favorite fucking pole. I don't care if you're too short to reach the horizontal bar above the seats. Just don't hold a bar: you're a grown-up. You can balance yourself. Fucking move in! Goddammit! [photo]
5. You Can't Choose Not to Have Someone Sit Next to You
If you don't like sitting next to people, try one of the following: stand the fuck up, never ride the fucking subway, move the fuck out of New York. But I swear to fucking god, if you try to put a bag down or spread your legs (dude, c'mon) or some other shit I'm going to lose my shit. Scoot over—and move your fucking coat! [photo]
6. Don't Smoke
My train was held in the station the other day so police could investigate someone smoking in one of the cars. That's ridiculous. You can't do that anymore. [photo]
Follow Henry Stewart on Twitter @henrycstewart
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About The Author
Henry Stewart
Bio:
Henry Stewart is the Culture Editor at The L Magazine and some kind of editor at Brooklyn Magazine. He has always lived in Brooklyn.
Henry Stewart is the Culture Editor at The L Magazine and some kind of editor at Brooklyn Magazine. He has always lived in Brooklyn.
