The latest in our series of angry guides to riding urban means of conveyance tackles that transport that makes tall buildings possible: the elevator! True, relatively low-built Brooklyn is not known for its lifts, but with high-rising residences multiplying, existing pre-war apartment stock, public housing, and the office towers of DUMBO and Downtown—not to mention wheelchair-accessible subway stations!—proper elevator behavior is something many of us must consider everyday. Here's a guide to don'ts—and a do.

Don't Push the Up or Down Buttons If They're Already Pressed
Believe it or not, the elevator's not going to hurry up if it knows that you also want it to arrive.

Stand On the Other Side from the Exit
It's like getting onto a subway car: if you're standing between a disembarking passenger and the exit, they'll have to walk around you, which slows them down, which slows you down, which slows the rest of us down. Move to the other side, or just move away all together—you don't need to be the first one onto the elevator. There are no seats. [photo]

Move Away from the Buttons
What's with people who push onto an elevator first, press the button for their floor, and then just stand there? Did they used to work as the operators of manual elevators, and they're waiting for the rest of us to announce which floor we need? DID THEY? Speaking of elevator attendants, once an old guy got in an elevator with me and made a joke like "Sixth floor, menswear," and then told me I wouldn't get it because I was too young. And I looked at him real cold and said, "yes, I get it, because I've seen it in old movies," and hoped he understood the subtext, which was that he was old, and that I hated him. [photo]

No, Seriously, Away from the Buttons
It's weird when you have to push past people to make room for other people to get into an elevator. It's a tiny little box. Just move in! It's not like there's an awesome spot, like in the corner or against the door. "Nah, man, I got here first! I get to stand near the buttons!" [photo]

Don't Push the "Door Close" Button
"Door Close" buttons do not work—they're what are known as "placebo buttons," there but to placate your anxiety. But you shouldn't let yourself become the prisoner of your anxiety; grant yourself the serenity to accept the things you cannot change. After all, you don't press the walk button at intersections, do you? Like a psychopath? ("Door Close" buttons do in fact function if you're a fireman during a fire, which you are not.) [photo]

Put Your Phone Away
What if I suddenly decide I need to ask strangers questions? Like, what's the use of taking an elevator up if you're only going to have to take it down again? Or, what's the point of doing good deeds if the people they benefit are just going to die one day anyway? I'll feel like I can't, because their noses are buried in their phones. Stop being so antisocial. What did people do in the days before smart phones? They stayed present in random social situations, met strangers, and married them. Single people, this is 99 percent of why you're single. [photo]

Don't Push a Button for a Floor If It's Already Pressed
I don't know why it's such a pet peeve of mine when people push buttons that are already pressed. It's either because it betrays an impatience that I have to exert energy not to catch, or because it suggests that I can't be trusted to push a button—like, "if you want something done right, you have to do it yourself." Well, guess what? I can push buttons, too, guy. [photo]

Tie Your Shoe
You ever tie your shoe on a moving elevator? Riding while crouched feels weeeeeird. You should try it! You don't even have to be on anything. [photo]

Follow Henry Stewart on Twitter @henrycstewart