The second season of Girls premieres on Sunday. But maybe you won't be watching? There are plenty of reasons why you might not be watching Girls. Maybe you don't have HBO and don't know anybody who has HBO and don't believe in illegally downloading the show. Or maybe you don't like Girls and don't really understand what all the hype is around Lena Dunham and don't want to participate in something that you just don't get. Or maybe you will be out of the country. As I said, there are plenty of reasons not to watch Girls this Sunday. But what should you do instead? You've got to do something good so that when everyone else you know is talking about what happened, you can tell them what far better things you were up to while they were glued to their television screens like lemmings. Lemmings!
Here are some alternatives to Girls.
Read a Book
Yeah, that's right. Read a book. Not just any book. You need to pick a good book so that it seems like you weren't just reading because you had nothing better to do. Might I recommend "After Claude" by Iris Owens? This novel is the perfect alternative to Girls because it is told by an unreliable, self-obsessed narrator who has no luck in love or friendship and is also broke. The narrator, Harriet, has just been dumped by her boyfriend Claude, "the French rat." Harriet is susceptible to things like sexual svengalis who run cults our of rooms in the Chelsea Hotel. Harriet is also capable —when trying to intimidate a romantic rival—of throwing off acerbic one-liners like, "Tell me, do you believe that stewardesses and nurses are pathologically promiscuous as a result of their occupations constantly confronting them with death?” So, if you read "After Claude" instead of watching Girls, you'll be able to substitute the words "Hannah and Jessa" for "stewardesses and nurses" and feel smug and superior to all your tv-watching friends.
Have Good Sex
This would kind of be the best alternative, right? Because, first of all, if you're having good sex, you've already won. But also, while everyone else is talking Monday morning about all the bad sex that took place on Girls, you can be all smug and superior about the good sex that you were having in real life. The whole point with these alternate activities to watching Girls, after all, is to allow you to feel smug and superior. So have some sex! WIn-win.
Go Out Drinking
I mean, why watch a show about other people living their lives when you could actually be out living your OWN life? Go out and get trashed. Maybe drink White Russians and have anonymous miscarriage-inducing sex in a bathroom bar like Jessa did in that one episode during the first season of Girls. White Russians are delicious. And they look wholesome too. It's good to at least look wholesome when you're having sex that's so rough that you actually spontaneously expel a fetus from your body. Something to think about anyway.
See a Movie
The four women on Girls always gets compared to the four women from Sex and the City, which, fine. But another foursome that hung out together on the streets (or, well, under the streets) of NYC were the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. And, just your luck, TMNT is playing at Nitehawk on Sunday, January 13, the same day that Girls premieres! So, even if you don't know what's going on in the lives of Hannah, Marnie, Jessa, and Shoshannah, you can hang out with Leonardo, Raphael, Donatello, and Michaelangelo. I mean, Raphael! He's cool but rude. What's not to love?
See Some Art
Go check out Christian Marclay's The Clock at MOMA. It's running through the end of January, so you should go as soon as you can. Plus, while everyone is talking about the popular entertainment that is Girls, you can feel smug and superior about seeing actual art. But also, you can feel smug and superior because The Clock is incredible and easy to consume and you will enjoy yourself while maintaining a cultural edge. It's of utmost importance to maintain a cultural edge AT ALL TIMES. And you can't maintain your cultural edge if you're sitting on your ass watching television. Everybody knows that.
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