Wednesday, January 23, 2013

Williamsburg is On Fire! Here Come the Hipster Jokes!

Posted By on Wed, Jan 23, 2013 at 9:00 AM

A four-alarm fire broke out on N. 7th Street near Bedford Avenue in Williamsburg yesterday, damaging two buildings and causing residual damage to at least two more, Gothamist reported. Hang on a second—did somebody say Williamsburg? Several hipster jokes soon appeared in Gothamist's comments section, but they were pretty sophisticated in their wit and cultural references, so I figured I'd break them down for anybody who might have been confused. You're welcome! [photo]

"bring a mason jar of water to help put out it out"
Oh, ok, see, hipsters love mason jars. They put, like, everything in mason jars. (I have a large mason jar full of water in my refrigerator as we speak—see?!) So of course if a hipster were going to fight a fire, he or she wouldn't attach a fire hose to a fire hydrant—he or she would bring water to the fire in a mason jar. But wait, this joke works on multiple levels. See, the amount of water you could keep in a mason jar, even a large mason jar like the one in my refrigerator, wouldn't be nearly enough water to extinguish a fire burning inside multiple buildings. Hipsters are often impractical, so it would make sense that they'd do something ridiculous like bring a small amount of water to a serious fire. Because for them being cool (mason jar) is more important than being effective (a sufficient quantity of water). [photo]

"Hipster wienie roast...bring your own marshmallows"
See, hipsters appreciate things ironically, so if there were a raging fire, instead of being all concerned or whatever, they'd be all like, "oh, blah, a fire, maybe we could roast hot dogs and drink archetypally blue-collar beers because it would be ironic and detached." Hipsters are also jerks so they wouldn't even have marshmallows for you; you'd have to bring your own. [photo]

"Only artisanal marshmallows, please"
Oh! Hahahahaha! See, hipsters never eat anything normal—all the things they eat are organic, or artisanal, or locally sourced, or some other such thing. Like, even marshmallows, you know? So if hipsters were going to roast marshmallows at the city fire (see above), of course even the marshmallows would have to be fancy! You couldn't just bring regular ol' puffed ones from the bodega, see? [photo]

See, hipsters often wear pants in non-traditional pants colors: red, green, even purple. So if there were a fire in Williamsburg, it would stand to reason that many of the pants threatened by such a conflagration would be an unusual color. Like purple. Also, hipsters are so shallow that instead of being worried about people, pets or family photos, they'd be most concerned about their fashionable habiliments. [photo]

"that's some burnt falafel!"
Hmmm... I believe the joke here is that hipsters like falafel, so there would be a lot of falafel at the scene, but because the fire is so powerful, all of that falafel would be burned. [photo]

"Reality check for all you shitheads: it's pretty upsetting to discover comments like yours when you land on a site (I should've known better) trying to find out whether your friend and colleague, who lives in one of the apartments that's on fire, is okay. She is not a banker or a hipster. As it turns out, she works at a non-profit and has lived in the neighborhood longer than most of you have probably been alive. Try practicing a little respect"
Honestly, I don't get this joke. [photo]

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About The Author

Henry Stewart

Henry Stewart

Henry Stewart is the Culture Editor at The L Magazine and Brooklyn Magazine. He has always lived in Brooklyn.

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