Yes! I kind of do! Because I think it probably creates the kind of unholy spawn that is really excited for the new Entourage movie or who thinks Marnie is the best character on Girls. But, unfortunately, "what happens when Sex and the City marries Facebook" is that they birth an app named Lulu. Which, on the one hand, is exactly what you'd think their devil-child would be called, but on the other hand, is still just an app where, for the first time ever, you can review guys as if they were restaurants. Lulu is like Yelp, but men are the food. How provocative.
So, anyway, just how do you rate guys? Is it the same way you'd rate a restaurant? Of course not. This is a much more nuanced rating system than that. For example, Lulu offers you the chance to see the mock profile of one "Adam Smith" whose ex-girlfriend rates him a 9.7 out of 10 and claims that "His hotness could bring peace to the Middle East." Swoon! Right? Adam's only flaws are that his #MamaDressedHim and that he's #GoneByMorning but he does have #BigFeet so at least there's that. In case you don't know, THAT MEANS HE HAS A CONFUSINGLY LARGE PENIS A LA WILLEM DAFOE.
You're welcome for the clarification. What can I say? I'm here to help.
But so anyway, what about a real Lulu profile? Who are the real men we can read about? Well, as an intrepid and thorough reporter, I went so far as to download the app so that I could check out the real guys. What I found might surprise you. First, you can look for guys in the categories of "sweet guys" and "funny guys" and "sexual panthers." So, this is helpful. Because I am scared of funny guys. They're always really damaged, you know? Also, "great kissers." I'm scared of those. So much pressure! I mean, greatness is intimidating in any form, but in a kisser? Terrifying. I feel like I'd just clench up from sheer nerves. That might just be me though and my issues.
Anyway, I'm trying not to be too mean right now because, per the website, "Lulu isn't a place to trash-talk: Lulu's review system makes it impossible for a vindictive ex to reveal the size of a guy's itty bitty friend or claim he gave the Herp to 1,000 women." So, don't worry men! If you want to go around spreading herpes to hundreds of women, you'll still be safe on Lulu. And if you men are feeling left out, don't worry because Lulu "also ha[s] an app for guys, which lets them get general feedback about where they stand among other men, and gives them tips and insights about the mysterious world of women."
Women sure are mysterious and mystical beings. I mean, it's truly a mystery what #HandyMan actually means, you know? I'm so glad there's finally a community like Lulu that can help me figure it all out.
Follow Kristin Iversen on twitter @kmiversen