Ooh, getting married, are you? Congratulations! That is great, hopefully. I'll spare you any further words of wisdom about this storied institution, partially because I have none, but also because there are way more important things to talk about. Namely, the party you get to have with all of your friends before you enter into a stressful (and joyful!), life-altering event. The bachelorette party.
Now, if you want to just order up a bunch of novelty sex toys and titter about them over cosmos, I suppose that is a classic option, taken by many brides before you. I think we can do better, though. Specifically, better in the form of a perfectly planned, Brooklyn-centric itinerary for you and whoever you've chosen to accompany you on this seminal rite of passage. Yes? Yes. Let's do this.
Any bar will do, really, the point is to get all of your friends in one place and get a few drinks in everyone before you really start your evening. Huckleberry Bar has that nice backyard, is centrally located, and seems super accommodating; every single time I've been there they've been hosting some kind of large, mostly female party, and everyone seems happy. This is the place to settle in and loosen up.
Drunk shopping is always a great time, am I right, ladies? No, but really, this place has gorgeous, fancy lingerie, and there is no better time (or excuse) to drop a little cash on fancy underwear than when you're slightly buzzed and bracing yourself for a wedding. Think of it as the tasteful, more productive alternative to the novelty sex toys portion of the evening. Lingerie lasts, after all. Penis straws do not.
Sobered up at the store, did you? Fix that, now. Specifically, fix it at Union Pool, which for some reason is always skewed heavily towards dudes, moreso than any other bar I know. Union Pool is to roaming packs of men as Huckleberry Bar is to roaming packs of women. This is just how it is. Anyway, the purpose here is threefold: you can fill your body with more whiskey, enjoy the ego boost of flirting with strangers, and savor the knowledge that the dating scene can be a total nightmare and you will never have to deal with it again. Make the most out of all of this.
Hopefully, by the time you've committed to spending the entire rest of your life with a person, you're ok with them seeing you with rib sauce all over your face — if you're not, maybe re-think the whole thing? — but still, eating something totally messy (and stomach-lining) feels particularly appropriate here. If you're going the traditional route, you have a high-pressure, family-juggling, white-dress wearing meal in your near future, so for now, eat a ton of delicious meat and don't worry if it gets in your hair or on your clothes or whatever. Also, now would be a good time for more whiskey.
You didn't think a strip club wouldn't enter into this equation, did you? No dice. I have seen Magic Mike way too recently not to push for this. And anyway, no need to spend the whole night in Williamsburg. Take a detour to the Bay Ridge establishment technically known as "Amnesia Supper Club," and you know, watch some semi-nude men do some silly dances. It is what one does in times like this. And also fun.
By this point, everyone who's still standing maybe needs to decompress a little. And I would hope, anyway, that you went nuts and spent all your money at the clurb just now. So head a little further south, grab some Utz and beers at the nearest deli, and chill out on the beach for a while. Cheap and relaxing, sure, but also, is there any better way to contemplate love, the future, and the state of your worldly obligations than staring at the ocean with your feet in the sand? Truly, there is not.
If you did everything right yesterday, you need to sweat out a lot of toxins (and also bathe) today. There is no better place for this under the sun than Spa Castle, which is absolutely worth the detour to Queens. In addition to a crazy array of robes, pools, and massage options, there is also a food court. The best of all possible worlds.
Follow Virginia K. Smith on Twitter @vksmith.