Thursday, March 7, 2013

10 More Things Bloomberg Should Ban

Posted By on Thu, Mar 7, 2013 at 4:13 PM

Cut it ouuuuut!
  • "Cut it ouuuuut!"

Now, you already know we're generally in favor of his new anti-headphones measure. We haven't even been too fussy about the soda ban, because giant vats of sugar are not really a good thing. But why stop there? Why?

Bloomberg may be in the twilight of his tenure as mayor, but, you know, he's not exactly going gentle into that good night. And nor should he! If anything, now is the time to cement his mayoral legacy as a swift, brutal enforcer of justice and public good. Namely, justice and public good in the form of banning things we hate. As such, we have some suggestions.

  • No.

Chewing Gum

I actually think gum is pretty alright, but Henry Stewart countered, "it looks disgusting when you chew it." Or, as my friend's mother once told her, "You look like a cow chewing its cud." With such conflicting opinions, best to just get rid of it.

  • Monsters.


God, do I even need to explain this one? When have you ever run into a teenager in New York (or, as is more typical, a screeching, unwieldy pack of teenagers) and not had it actively make your day so much worse? Boarding school for all of them, stat.

  • WHY.

Those Hats I Hate

Normally, my attitude about other people's clothing choices is pretty indifferent. Do you! But geez, who grabs a raccoon hat or whatever and says to themselves, "Yes, this is the way I want to present myself to all who encounter me today. Hello, world!" People who should be banned from New York — or at least, whose hats should be banned — that's who.

A somewhat more acceptable option.
  • A somewhat more acceptable option.

Too Many Bags on the Subway

Look, we all need to carry groceries and suitcases on the subway sometimes. It sucks, but not as much as paying for a cab you can't afford. That said, isn't it best for everyone involved if we tried to avoid this during rush hour, when every spare air pocket helps? Just to be on the safe side, seems like a ban is in order.

Overly Acrobatic Breakdancing

Normally I'm pretty pro-breakdancing on the subway — beats sitting in bored silence, sometimes — but sometimes these guys just fly too close to the sun. "The sun," in this case, being the roof of the subway car and also the faces of passengers. No more of this.


Abuse of Reply-All

Hard to pin-point, and even harder to regulate, but if there is a greater petty social scourge in 21st century life, I have yet to encounter it. We should all think long and hard about whether our thoughts are really that crucial for the 20 other friends of friends who somehow got looped into whatever terrible email chain we're perpetuating. Or we should just be banned from doing it altogether.

He would have known better.
  • He would have known better.

Stop and Frisk

Alright, so it's unlikely, but worth a shot, right?


Walking More Than Two Abreast

Unless the sidewalk is like, ghost town empty. Who do you guys think you are, the Monkees? Grow up.



Another huge waste of space on the sidewalk, and a real eye-poking risk, to boot. It's like, just wear a hat, idiot! Or a jacket with a hood on it! Ugh. Banned.

  • Perfect.

Tacos With Normal Shells

So, today I ate a Cool Ranch loco taco for the first time, and oh boy, there is just no going back. I don't even wanna see a different kind of taco, ever again. Banned.

Follow Virginia K. Smith on Twitter @vksmith.

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About The Author

Virginia K. Smith

Virginia K. Smith

Virginia K. Smith is the Assistant Editor at The L Magazine and a Bushwick resident. Her profile picture was taken at Summerscreen, because she is a real team player.

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