Now, you already know we're generally in favor of his new anti-headphones measure. We haven't even been too fussy about the soda ban, because giant vats of sugar are not really a good thing. But why stop there? Why?
Bloomberg may be in the twilight of his tenure as mayor, but, you know, he's not exactly going gentle into that good night. And nor should he! If anything, now is the time to cement his mayoral legacy as a swift, brutal enforcer of justice and public good. Namely, justice and public good in the form of banning things we hate. As such, we have some suggestions.
I actually think gum is pretty alright, but Henry Stewart countered, "it looks disgusting when you chew it." Or, as my friend's mother once told her, "You look like a cow chewing its cud." With such conflicting opinions, best to just get rid of it.
God, do I even need to explain this one? When have you ever run into a teenager in New York (or, as is more typical, a screeching, unwieldy pack of teenagers) and not had it actively make your day so much worse? Boarding school for all of them, stat.
Normally, my attitude about other people's clothing choices is pretty indifferent. Do you! But geez, who grabs a raccoon hat or whatever and says to themselves, "Yes, this is the way I want to present myself to all who encounter me today. Hello, world!" People who should be banned from New York — or at least, whose hats should be banned — that's who.
Look, we all need to carry groceries and suitcases on the subway sometimes. It sucks, but not as much as paying for a cab you can't afford. That said, isn't it best for everyone involved if we tried to avoid this during rush hour, when every spare air pocket helps? Just to be on the safe side, seems like a ban is in order.
Overly Acrobatic Breakdancing
Normally I'm pretty pro-breakdancing on the subway — beats sitting in bored silence, sometimes — but sometimes these guys just fly too close to the sun. "The sun," in this case, being the roof of the subway car and also the faces of passengers. No more of this.
Hard to pin-point, and even harder to regulate, but if there is a greater petty social scourge in 21st century life, I have yet to encounter it. We should all think long and hard about whether our thoughts are really that crucial for the 20 other friends of friends who somehow got looped into whatever terrible email chain we're perpetuating. Or we should just be banned from doing it altogether.
Alright, so it's unlikely, but worth a shot, right?
Unless the sidewalk is like, ghost town empty. Who do you guys think you are, the Monkees? Grow up.
Another huge waste of space on the sidewalk, and a real eye-poking risk, to boot. It's like, just wear a hat, idiot! Or a jacket with a hood on it! Ugh. Banned.
So, today I ate a Cool Ranch loco taco for the first time, and oh boy, there is just no going back. I don't even wanna see a different kind of taco, ever again. Banned.
Follow Virginia K. Smith on Twitter @vksmith.