Every year around this time, when it's still cold and shitty outside and we're all still stuck doing whatever it is we do to make enough money to eat, there's an onslaught of news about young, ca-raaaazy college kids and their signature cultural achievement, Spring Break. This year there's even a whole movie about it. Geez.
Now, unless you're an actual college student with the flexibility to go to Cancun or whatever, there's no real way to take part in the whole thing. Kids have been outsourcing this party to other countries for years in order to rage harder without legal obstruction, and it's just not the same in America, with the constraints of a real job. However! We can still try, and try in Brooklyn! Get ready everyone, it's gonna be the best week of our liiiiiiiiiiives!
Not that there's anything wrong with sitting in a dark, quiet-ish bar for the entirety of your evening, leaving your seat for no other reason than to get more drinks. Normally I advocate for that. But is that really in keeping with the spirit of Spring Break with a capital S.B.? No. What you should be doing is dancing under strobe lights with as many other attractive, sweaty youths as you can possibly find in one place. Bossa Nova is an excellent place to do this.
Duh. Sure, it still sucks outside, and you won't be able to do certain things, like sit comfortably outside in sinful, glorified underwear, swim in the ocean, or feel the sun gently caressing your baby oiled skin. You will have the place mostly to yourself, though, and can still partake in that other beach day classic, subtly drinking white wine out of a soda bottle and stuffing it back in your tote bag whenever anyone official-seeming walks by. Fun!
I was trying to think of any kind of food that is quintessentially "Spring Break," but really, there aren't any. My colleague Henry Stewart rightly pointed out, "Beer. That's really it." So, try a liquid diet for a week, see what it does for your beach body, and for your morale. Exceptions can be made for Dorito Tacos, and for Dorito Tacos only.
You know what says "spring" even more than beer bongs and the boobs of strangers, at least technically? Flowers. Flora (and also fauna). The circle of life! So take a break from your body shots regime and go see some. The Botanic Garden even has a "Spring Break Discovery Week" going on, in which you can watch a nest installation being built. It's meant to be an activity for children, but, you know, I'm sure we can all learn something here.
Nothing like watching vintage MTV Spring Break footage to remind you of a bacchanalian youth that is no longer yours. But hanging out in the comfort of your own living room and recalling a time when people like Shaggy and Sisqo were major cultural figures is still pretty fun, in its way.
Or a bullhorn, really, any kind of horn. There's even an app, though it's way less fun than a physical horn. This way, wherever you go, there, the party will be.
Yeah, it's not a beach, or your couch, but the squares you work with could use cheering up more than anyone, right? You just have to decide how you'll do it. Instigate a twerk-off? Start a new tradition of Jimmy Buffett and margaritas every hour, on the hour? Flash your "goodies" (ugh) at your boss and demand applause or a prize? Incorporating your new air horn into all of these things? It's up to you, really, so be spontaneous! It's Spring Break, after all.
Follow Virginia K. Smith on Twitter @vksmith.