Earlier this week, we learned pretty categorically that if you live off of the G? Well, no one is ever going to love you. Probably not even your parents! If they ever did to begin with, that is. It's harsh, but maybe something you should have considered before tethering your life to the worst train in all of Brooklyn, no?
Now, the emotionally healthy among you will probably see this and think "I don't know, if people really care about each other, love will find a way, regardless of inconvenient commute logistics. Most people worth dating aren't that jaded and shitty." Fine. I buy that. But casual sex, or even casual dating? Eh. Probably not. Best to stack the odds in your favor so that you can be the one doling out heedless romantic rejections, and not the other way around. So, with that in mind, let's take at which Brooklyn trains are right for every single stage of your hypothetical dating life. Start packing up your current apartment now.
Let's get this sad sack out of the way. As we already know, nobody wants to deal with the G. Greenpoint may be idyllic and knee-deep in perfect date spots, but jesus, at what cost? Unless you're willing to get super into bikes (or dating people in your building), your best bet is to move. Now.
A lot of personal bias plays into this, but really, living (and dating) on the JMZ is hugely underrated. Given that there's a loud, dirty train making noise overhead every few minutes at all times, most bars and restaurant along the line are cozy, dimly lit hovels, designed to block out distractions (and get you laid, dummy). Also, riding above ground means phone reception at all times, useful for when you're running late, canceling at the last minute, or assessing your other options. Come on. It's perfect.
You know what really, really helps any attempt to pick up (or event speak to) a total stranger? A specific, imminent time limit. Like the kind you have on a train that only has 4 stops. This is the train on which to follow your boldest romantic dreams. Also, I'd assume it's nice to live near the park.
So, the D goes a lot of places, sure. I'll give you that. But unless you like going on dates at the Atlantic Avenue Target (or at the Barclays Center, which I suppose is actually a legitimate plan), the main attractions on the D are the Greenwood Cemetery, and Coney Island. Both of which are nice, atmospheric places to smoke weed, or murder/be murdered, depending. Just be careful, is the point.
No-brainer. Every single family-friendly neighborhood is on the F. Good if you're getting serious (or breeding! aah!) or even just trying to meet someone who has their shit together.
Admittedly, I don't really take the R. Not for any specific reasons it just... doesn't come up. So I asked my colleague Henry Stewart, who offered, "Well, the R runs through a lot of major neighborhoods: Bay Ridge, Sunset Park, Park Slope, Fort Greene, Brooklyn Heights... but if you're dating and riding the train home at night, you're doing it wrong! Ba dum ch!" Jokes like this are best kept in Bay Ridge.
The thinking here is twofold: a lot of neighborhoods on the A are surprisingly hard to access from other trains, meaning an expensive cab ride if you decide to ditch at the last minute. But also, real estate in A-adjacent neighborhoods (DUMBO, Bed-Stuy, etc.) tends to be really nice! Shack up. Eat some of the food in their fridge. Live your life.
Sort of all-purpose trains, but where do they all lead? Brooklyn College. Is the person you're going out with a student who needs you to pay for everything, all the time? Maybe!
It's famous at this point for being sort of a meet market (or at least, a breeding ground for Craigslist missed connections), but the L is also peppered with literally hundreds of perfect "early date" places. We could make silly hipster jokes, but really, this is just a great train for dating. If you don't happen to live nearby, at least take comfort in the knowledge that these people will all have brutally crowded commutes the mornings after their (inevitably successful) nights out. Ugh.
Follow Virginia K. Smith on Twitter @vksmith.