Aries
They say you’re supposed to try on shoes in the evening, when your feet have plumped out to their natural daily size. What if the same were true of love? Suppose some love you discover is a perfect fit in the young morning of your life, but as the day passes, the shape of your soul changes and grows, until that sad point when the love feels pinched and painful. This is why you must wait Aries. Wait and learn.

Taurus
Humility is a lesson never easily learned. By necessity, we must lose a little to gain broader perspective on the world. But Taurus, you’re at risk of losing more than you can ever hope to regain. Look, chances are you live in New York, a place where too much humility can get you killed. Sometimes it’s ok to use your shoulder instead of your head, especially if you don’t have a helmet.

Gemini
"Dark Times Ahead." Why, gloomy Gemini, does that sign always seem to be flashing on the boulevard of your life? And those thunderheads on the horizon… Let’s see how far this metaphor will drive us: I want you to get off at the next exit and keep going until the road turns from gravel to dirt. Upon reaching grass, take off your shoes and socks and feel it all between your toes.

Cancer
You ever notice how the tone and pitch of your voice is different when you’re speaking a different language? I think the change goes even deeper Cancer, all the way to behavioral patterns. Frankly, I feel sexier when I’m speaking Spanish, less so when speaking German. So does the way we say things change the way we are? Maybe, which is why you should learn to speak in an "indoor" voice.

Leo
Who are you kidding Leo, you’re not a sailor. So it comes as a great surprise to learn that you’ve been contemplating a solo voyage around the continent of South America. Look, if you want to get to San Francisco that badly, I can lend you bus fare. Why can’t you ever do things like a normal person, without going to such ridiculous extremes? Sometimes these largest of gestures only signify an underlying lack.

Virgo
Capes and fedoras: modern symbols of the displaced mind, or emblems of youthful eccentricity? But we needn’t reduce the issue to such limited polarities? Screw it, yes we should: You look like a crazy vanity publisher run amok in a gay matador’s walk-in closet — these sartorial shrieks for help just aren’t working Virgo. Try an honest letter, or an old-fashioned phone call. You need help.

Libra
If climbing Everest isn’t all that impressive, and everyone and his personal assistant has been to the North Pole, what’s left to do? Even our "voyages inward" are festooned with cross-promotional opportunities and synergistic handjobs. A simple act of quiet withdrawal no longer has the signal impact it once did… Panic, existential panic… Libra, how are we to be free? (Don’t answer that.)

Scorpio
Just because you’re good at solving other people’s problems doesn’t mean you’ll make a good astrologer… in fact, my job has nothing to do with finding solutions — I’m merely a conduit for the truths that have always been out there (and always will be). Advice types like yourself just end up repackaging the truth to make it more palatable for those concerned. Don’t kid yourself Scorpio.

Sagittarius
In some parts of Canada, a place not unlike my own native Lappland, they freeze milk in ice trays and give it to little children as "special treats." This is what’s known as "Canadian duplicity." But Sagittarius, you could employ a little of this duplicity to your benefit, as I’ve noticed of late that you suffer from what we call "Midwestern guilelessness." Try lying to one stranger a day… yay!

Capricorn
Old friends are hard to keep up with. They go off to Portland or have babies in Burgundy, and before you know it, a whole decade has passed. Let’s not let that happen with us, ok Capricorn? Even if we’re separated by a thousand miles, let’s use the world as our own echo board: I will speak to the trees and you will hear me in the rivers; you will talk to the moon, and I will hear you in the morning star.

Aquarius
There are worse things than a slow descent into senility. When you think about it, from roughly 18 years on we’re continually shedding brain cells, so senility is just a question of degrees and timing. A few tumblers of warm gin will do just about the same thing as the temporal degradation of grey matter… but I digress… or do I? Well this is kind of my point Aquarius: we’re all losing it.

Pisces
So summer’s basically here: dragonflies and moonpies, sticky sidewalk gum and rustling leaves outside the window, sunburns and sweaty shirts… Long days at the end of June when it always feels like school’s about to let out for the year… Get ready for it Pisces, this is going to be a transformative season for you, a dream-filled run of well-groomed dog days. But you must be equal to the opportunity!

Aries
Road trip time! That’s right Aries, sometimes you gotta’ hit the ol’ blacktop and light out for the horizon, throw caution to the wind and seek that which you’ve always been afraid of: your inner hedonist. As a guiding route for this trip, I think you should stick to major European capitals: Rome, Georgia; Athens, Texas; Paris, Tennessee. And you can tell ‘em Laps sent you (and they won’t beat you up).

Taurus
Even though opposites do attract, it can be tough for them to coexist. One of them likes Tom Cruise, the other likes Tommy Lee; one likes Harry Belafonte, the other likes Harry Potter; one likes Dolly Parton, the other likes Dolly Madison… Wait, who the hell are these morons? No wonder they can’t coexist, they’re all tacky idiots. You’re not are you?

Gemini
Do you like your job Gemini? For a lot of people, their jobs mean everything, signifying personal worth in a profound way. But this is bad. It’s important to distinguish between one’s vocation (that which satisfies deepest needs and longings) and one’s job (that which pays rent and puts food on the table). Pay attention, because when you get these muddled, you’re doomed.

Cancer
Did you ever used to touch other people’s shadows? You know, when you were a little kid, and your shadow was next to someone else’s and you could reach out and sort of fondle the dark area with your own dark area… sounds gross doesn’t it? Well, it’s illegal now Cancer, because of your inappropriate longings! Are you happy? Are you? Pervert.

Leo
You can dye your hair, but you can’t dye your soul… "Well what the hell does that mean?" I can hear you saying, "Sounds like a bullshit platitude from a no-talent astronomer." Ok, so that’s getting a little personal. But you’re right, maybe it’s all kind of meaningless and pretend; nothing but a series of semi-coherent ramblings based more on indigestion than inspiration. Why do you hate me Leo?

Virgo
A thousand leagues beneath the sea is where I’d like to be, floating along on a deep current of volcano-heated brine, waving to all the odd little glowing bottom feeders. Will you join me in my oxygenated bubble of pleasure Virgo? You need some quiet, you need to separate yourself from the hurly and hubbub, put in the ear plugs and simply observe. If you look, you shall learn.

Libra
Love, truly, has torn us apart. Love of self, love of candy, love of tanning beds, love of schnitzel — love rears its pernicious head everywhere you turn. Even the love of another is fraught with spikes and razors… So how do we survive love and its consequences? Well Libra, we don’t. It’s true, you can’t ever expect to get through it safely, or you won’t get it at all. It’s a battlefield out there.

Scorpio
I was in a bar last night, and somehow, some devoted fan of Läps Trinity World of the Stars® was able to recognize my inimitable mug and came up to harangue me about their last horoscope. It wasn’t that I’d been wrong, it was that it’d all come true — and this nutjob Scorpio was blaming me! I was so shocked I had to put down my Pink Lady! Don’t blame the stars when the fault lies within.

Sagittarius
You need to do something a little crazy Sagittarius. I’m talking jump-out-of-a-plane, sit-in-a-shark-tank crazy. Whether or not you actually work in a cubicle isn’t the point: you’ve started to inhabit a spiritual cubicle of the mind. You know that moment when something happens in an office and everybody pops up over their partition? They call that ‘prairie dogging’. You’re not a dog are you?

Capricorn
Time for a sing-a-long! First verse… ready? Let’s go! "Oh my darling Cappy-corn/Your heart’s so full and strong/But when you fake that laugh, it feels so flat and wrong/’Cause serious is what you are/Of this I must insist/There is no time to weep, for that you might’ve missed/So when the chorus comes/Raise up your voice and call:/’To be the one I want to be, I cannot please them all.’"

Aquarius
Reward yourself. If you deserve it, great; if not, maybe it’ll make you feel guilty enough that you actually get off your ass and work. My sense (grasped from the patterns of the gin-tumbling firmament) is that you have indeed been earning some serious spiritual capital with all the pleasant door holding and old lady helping. Spend it! Get yourself a double fudge sundae! Or a gun.

Pisces
Now they’re saying fat people live longer, and that the world’s population will be cut in half over the next two centuries. Jeez: cities filled with grass and forest and fatties foraging for grease and jumbo sodas. Don’t you wish you could see how it’s all gonna’ turn out Pisces? It’s a pretty painful feeling to realize it’ll just keep going on without us. But that’s what they call eternity I guess?